Alone

Alone
by Edgar Allan Poe

From childhood’s hour I have not been

As others were- I have not seen

As others saw- I could not bring

My passions from a common spring-

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow- I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone-

And all I lov’d – I lov’d alone-

Then- in my childhood- in the dawn

Of a most stormy life- was drawn

From ev’ry depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still-

From the torrent, or the fountain-

From the red cliff of the mountain-

From the sun that ‘round me roll’d

In its autumn tint of gold-

From the lightning in the sky

As it pass’d me flying by-

From the thunder, and the storm-

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view-

Alone
by Edgar Allan Poe

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

 

Valentine's Dreams

Bloody Mary weekend, take 1

Valentine’s card to imaginary possible girlfriends, take 1

"i love you... and i wish you were here

and you are NOT
so you must be some figment of my imagination
because, in some odd part of me, i somehow believe that you would make me, wildly, unoppressedly happy
you would make everything okay

and thats a very seductive thing

and as i pine for the fjords, and contemplate my life with that special woman...

i reject you... because i am so scared

that you might be right for me-(and - i might be right for you)
and in this oh-so-scarred world of pain and hate- that can't happen...

and, this is the part, where i reach out for you

and you, who have been waiting so long for me to unfuck myself and understand your love- and take your hand-

All you have to to do is - take it.

and suddenly, the magic is gone, and the chase is over- and your prince has knelt before you, diamonds glittering in hand, tears on his face

 

and your own hand drops. And you think of every excuse as to why this fairy tale should not end happily.

you may even tell him an excuse or two, as you walk away.

 

if you are merciful.

 

But, either way, once he is yours, you don't want him any longer.

 

And you move on, to your next (and his) broken heart.

                    

Sons, at a distance

I unfriended Andrew and Evan today.

"Sometimes you just have to cut them loose. Done"


I sent this message to Lauren.

I sure hope with all my heart that what happened to Evan and Andrew does not happen to Tristan. Its my worst fear. I will try to do my best to keep my connection as a father as best as I can after you took him away.

But it sure did not work out well with those two. They could not even be bothered to call me about Grandma Berryhill passing away. I left them voicemails and texts- and not for me- I wanted them to call MY Dad and offer him some condolences. Even after everything Lee Berryhill has done to me- I asked them to offer him that mercy. But, that's just more effort than they had in them. I don't know what fucked up shit their mother did to make them this way- but I will do anything you want me to, to prevent you from doing the same to Tristan.

We are his family too.

But beyond that, just teach him the right things to do in life. I cant be there. Not when hes 1000 miles away. So, its up to you. Please don't teach him to think that this side of his family does not matter, the way Trish taught Evan and Andrew.

Because it is fucking heartbreaking.

Mentoring Anti Authority since the 60's

Kirby King passed away this week. (Known as Tychis Kano to his Austin Hippie Hollow friends). He is going to be missed. He was an original, and probably at least one third of why I am the way I am today. I like to think I helped spread the insanity to those I've been a mentor to through the years.

Above is a scan of a letter he mailed me, in 1991 and below is a letter I had written him from 1992.

To Kirby King, my mentor

    Herr King:

What's up? Not too fucking much here. Just kicking back in front

of my computer, writing you back. kind of a lethargic mood, so expect a boring letter... called your pops he said you were no longer in residence, didnt know if he was lying or not. If he gets this letter to you, call me at work any week day after five. I work everyday except Friday. Didnt get to go to the Metallica/Guns and Roses show. I worked for shawn so him and his bitch could go. It was supposedly an excellent concert. And I've been informed that I have to work for him Oct.1 which is the date of Ozzys concert (No more tours/tears) Oh well. Not much in the Big D just listening to Z rock and half ass attending college when I don't sleep late, have a hangover, or have some girl in my bed.

(Mainly hangovers) I decided i'd send you some of the fucked up shit I have been typing on my word processor program on the computer here for posterity, I guess. Enjoy it. It will be famous some day when I'm dead. So if you are still alive at that time you can sell it for mega bucks or some shit.

    So Todds got a girlfriend with a mind. When did they start adding

those to females? Must've been an option package. Tell him he better check her medical history (He might be dating the result of a sex change operation).

        So when are you gonna show up here. It has been a summer full of kegs and beer and pools and women and drugs. I also work 40 hours a week in my spare time. These people aren't your average Frat dicks, either,.they are actually pretty cool. The chicks are all bitches, but havent they always been? I got a girlfriend, Blonde and good lookin too,! Scared of that. She doesn't believe in giving head. I shall make a believer out of here before it is over with. Well enough bullshit.

So you have been listening to Spin Doctors, Faith no more, etc. huh I been listening to ALice in Chains, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, My life with the Thrill kill kult, Utah Saints, Sisters of mercy... Heard of any of them? I am gonna send you a picture I drew (While asleep at work) so cherish it also. i didnt finish it but I think its cool so frame it on your wall or something (if you have to use it for toilet paper, please wipe with the blank side)

What the hell I'll send you two pictures cause i got this other one that I drew while sleeping in class.

 hey hey hey hey

      I guess  i will take off now. Stay Drunk and remember - Decadence is its own reward (heard that from an evangelist) little does he know how true that statement it is. Oh - hasn't Todd graduated yet?

                                               Anyway

     Your Disciple of anti Authority

                                           Sidekick to Chaos
                                            Igor to your Frankenstein
                                Sept.10 1992 11:32am                                 
                            Wondering if there is life after college..
                                                   ?

Chris Topher Ki Rk Berry Hill                                              later....

Ode to a Grandma

And, we buried Grandma today.

Ma-Ma. Helen Berryhill. Matriarch, Icon, Heart of the Berryhill clan.

It still has not hit me, her being gone. Like with Mom, my mind kept the loss at arm's length, for a time.

I know it will hit me. But right now, my heart is in limbo and my mind skirts the loss.

Listening to music. Girls have gone out, to go out to eat with Dad and Family. The obituary I wrote was well-received. Everyone seems to have "gotten" it. Even Dad. It was as close to the truth as this family gets....

The family knows. I guess I was shocked at how many of them understood what I was saying. Maybe Dad, Ryan and I are far more transparent than I believed. ?  But, it was good. Sometimes you got to quit holding that pain inside.

It was a good day.

And, now , I'm working slowly through my own pain- walking the labyrinth of my psyche, and twisting my way through the path to my own twisted heart.

And once I arrive at my destination, I'm hoping I will be able to sit myself down, exhale.

And find where I go from here.

Mom, gone. Ma gone. and now, Ma-Ma. I've had the blessing of all these strong, powerful women in my life. Everyone knows I'm wild and crazy and rebellious and Fuck you all and all that- but I've been tempered by these ladies existing in my life, and judging my actions.

and now, they are all gone from my life. I don't care about anyone else's judgement- Except, the young ones in my life- my children. And, their judgement does not hold the weight that my elders did.

Whew. Exhale. Exhale. exhale...

And now, the trick is to breathe in, and live life to my own standards, to my own judgement.

and hope that I don't fail myself.

Ode to a Fishbowl

Ode to a Fishbowl

Swimming in circles

Big Fin King
Catching nothing but my own tail-
Ominous and unforgiving
Obtuse and unforgiven
Just because I’m not caught up in the frenzy
It doesn’t mean I’m not slowly consuming myself

Regurgitating random wisdom

Cutthroat barracuda prince

Biting every hand that ever fed-

Bitter and hating
Bested and hated
Just because I’m not floating in stupidity
It doesn’t mean I’m not willfully drowning myself

Drifting upside down

Deadeyed guppy heir
Reflecting every pain ever borne, or felt-
Succinct and Simple
Sorry and self absorbed
Just because I’m not repenting my sins
It doesn’t mean I’m not destroying myself out of guilt.

Kirk, 5/28/15

The Song Always Ends

The song ends, and she takes a drink from her beer as I drink her presence in.

We haven’t been dating very long- a couple of weeks, at this point. We’ve settled into relaxing with music, drinks and each other’s company after the kids are fast asleep.

I’m mesmerized by her. It’s been a long time since a woman had my attention the way that Jennifer has it. I take another drink, my eyes slide past her, subtly. Watching her out of the corner of my eye- rapt, but not wanting her to know how much of my attention she is actually occupying.

Her hand rests on mine. I don’t move, because I don’t want to change anything about this moment. The music has ended. I know that I should get up, move to the computer and play more music- to extend this perfection- to prevent anything from interfering with this brief slice of love.

But I don’t want to take her hand off mine.

…

I watch her eyes as she looks around my living room, she takes in the art on the walls, the pictures of the kids, the family, and her eyes end up on my bookshelf. She glances from book to book- and I see her confusion. Who has books? Who reads? It’s plainly illustrated across her features as she is trying to map my persona into her world…

She can’t hide her disdain, her smile morphs into a frown. I see it coming, and I squeeze her hand and rise- “Need another drink?”  Yes, my go to excuse for avoidance.

“Shuure… “ I go to get us both another drink. A part of me hopes that she won’t go there- but I know it’s coming- it always does, with the simple ones.

“Sooo- you read a lot, huh?”.  I take a long gulp, then smile, bend to kiss her brow and hand her another beer.

“Yes.”

“Do you think all those books make you smart?”

I don’t tell her what I want to, that everything that you read, that you experience, that you absorb- makes you more. It’s too abstract to explain. I just say- “I just like to read.”

Perhaps she senses my apprehension. Maybe she feels inadequate and wants to level the playing field in her mind. I see it coming and I can’t stop it.

“I read a lot too.” She informs me. “But I only read one book.”

Of course you only do, you sweet, beautiful woman, of course you only do. Its times like this, I realize that if there is a God, he sure loves to fuck with me.

I don’t ask, because, really? There’s no need. But she tells me, anyway. “The Bible.” Well,  the sarcastic side of me says, I didn’t imagine you were re-reading Charlotte’s Web. But the part of me that was thinking I could fall in love with her only says… “I respect that.” But I don’t. How can I respect someone who has only ever opened one book?

I take another big drink. She continues on, about how the only book anyone needs is the bible and everything else just confuses the singularity of our souls…

I take another drink. And I turn the music back up.

And I tell God- Wipe that shit eating Grin off your face, smartass.

 

PostScript:

I remember a moment where I told myself that I would find God for a girl like her.

Then I think, I wish that she would’ve said to herself:  “I’d find reality for a boy like him”.

But in the end, all that I really wanted was a woman who could understand me, at least a little bit.

And- she didn’t- and so, this song has ended- but I remember its beautiful melody- wrapped up in illusion as it was…

 

Kirk, May 2015- Levelland, TX