Lost in the Tubes

The wisdom of a closed mouth

2012-01-30T19:47:00.000-08:00

True Wisdom is knowing when to explain yourself and when to leave the clueless to their own ignorant conclusions.

My old philosophy was saving the world, one asshole at a time.

My new one is to let the assholes be assholes, to their own eventual undoing.

You can't save em all.

And sometimes, they look so cute tying the noose around their own necks.

Bastard love

2012-01-24T21:59:00.000-08:00

It's tough out here for a hardass, like me or Bubba.

What else do we got? We had to be tougher than those invisible Dads that weren't here for us.

We had to live with the shadow of their shadows. Every day we lived with the hope and fear that we'd come face to face with them some day... And that we'd swallow all those lost feelings of wanting something that was never there- And kick that sorry fucking piece of shits ass. And, that, is the hardest core there is.

It's hard to explain, I guess.

You want it, all your life growing up, and then you want nothing more than to find him and pay every bit of pain back, with fucking interest. And then you get older again, and you document your own debts to your own children. And you want their forgiveness, and so you reach out, and bestow that forgiveness on that mystery figure of a dad that you never had. Even though he aint there, never been there, and even HE knows, in his deepest heart of hearts thats it nots a good idea at this point to look up his long lost sonny.

But. Its too damn late. We've lived each day like it was our last... for far too fucking long.

And it wears on your soul. You can find redemption. It is there. But accepting it, deep inside, after you've hated life for so long, is another thing entirely.

"There ain't no coming back." This, is a truth. But we can still go forward. But, before I do. I just want to say:

FUCK YOU BUCK ALLEN. Fuck your sorry soul to the pits of whatever hells I can envision. Fuck you for the cowardly piece of shit you are. If you ever find redemption, I hope the knowledge of the children you left behind harries your conscience for all eternity.

Maybes that are more than maybe

2012-01-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

maybe- I've been fighting the inevitable ...

Time Capsule 39-winter-sober-captainslog

2012-01-18T18:44:00.000-08:00

Girl scouts stuff is killing me... Ugh. 3 meetings this week and we are doing some massive garage sale that we have to set up for Friday and then do all day Saturday. Never mind that I had the first date I've had in six months set up for Friday.... So, maybe cancelling that, not sure how much time its going to take. I KNOW we have to raise money for this trip for the girls to Washington, but jeez this nonstop fundraising crap is a pain in my ass.

It'll be worth it for the girls in the end, but right now it consumes just about every little bit of free time that I have. I got a promotion, sort of= it wasn't a payraise promotion, I just got selected to move to a different team that has more complex duties. I feel good, since I was the one asked for specifically, so that was good. It will open another door in the company, be one more aspect of the system that I will now be versed in. So, that's all good. It isn't an actual position shift, I still have the same office, same pay level. But when annual reviews come this March, I'm hoping this will boost my stock a bit more than normal.

The most immediate impact is that now, I can do all the duties I was doing, plus this team is overwhelmed and short-staffed. So, OVERTIME. All I want. So I go in an hour before my regular 9 hour shift and then work a little afterwards, if the girls don't have anything pressing. Then I can go in Saturday and Sunday too, if there's nothing else on the girls' agenda that I have to handle. The new position is a lot more troubled and chaotic and only one of the team members seems to be on the ball whatsoever, so its a lot of fun for someone like me, who loves to re-build entire processes to my own liking and implement efficiencies that seem obvious to me but which are overlooked by the other employee's mainly cause they just don't give a shit. My brain is always stuck in high gear, so it was a little overwhelming at first, and now, I'm settling in and fixing things the way I want them. So, its pretty much a win-win, all around.

Mmmm what else is new? Not much. My life is pretty much just kids and my job right now. I guess that's all it has been for years, now. ? I have been starting to think more about the book I wanted to write for the kids= the "Primitive Blood" cross-history of Native American philosophy/lore and Celtic philosophy/lore. I need a new computer so I can start the research in earnest. I want it to be almost a bible of a tome of old world tribal heathenism in its most righteous form. I think I'm the best qualified to re=kindle the old flames with a new form of fiery faith.

But, then, I think I'm best qualified for everything, so go figure...

Tebow Vs. Romo

2012-01-15T07:41:00.000-08:00

Yes, fellow Cowboys fans, another disappointing year. But going thru this post-season, don't let them trash-talk Romo. He did his part this season, and, as the statistics show- was a helluva lot better QB than Tebow this year.

Romo had the 4th Highest QB Rating in the league this year. 102.5. Tebow is at the bottom of the list with a 72.9. Romo was ranked at 7th in the nfl. Tebow? #31.Romo threw for over 4000 yards this year, and averaged 261 a game. Tebow ? His yards per game is DEAD LAST at 123.5.

In every single stat, Romo is at the top of the list, and Tebow is at the bottom. That's what so irritating. The idiots at ESPN spitting out his name every 5 seconds and all these band-wagon morons.

Okay, the guy prays at football games. I, for one, hate seeing that crap - on a deeply religious level. I think it belittles your relationship with God putting it on display like that after a fricking Touchdown- as if your prayers were awarded by Jesus in order to win a GAME. A game that is based on profits and capitalism. The christians who were going around spouting off that this was "God's team" WTF? are truly a special kind of moron. The bible has specific passages on ostentatious display of your "faith". So, prayers or not, Tebow,one of the worst quarterbacks of the league loses in the playoffs. Suhprise, Suhprise, ya'll. There's a REASON why bookies made those ridiculous longshot odds for Tebow to win the superbowl.

Now, enough about the Flavor of the Weak, Tim Tebow. The Saints lost ! Yes! So, my brother won't have bragging rights for the rest of the year. The Steelers lost ! Yes ! They have too many superbowl wins for my taste. I just hope the Packers can lose next.

And as for the Cowboys, the NFL team with a great quarterback and an okay running game? Someone put Jerry Jones in a home for Senile assholes and DEFENSE UNFUCK YOURSELVES!

Almost here....

2012-01-14T23:27:00.000-08:00

‎"He came like the wind, like the wind touched everything, and like the wind, was gone."

A Memory of Light fast approacheth....

52 book reviews listed on Amazon, for a book that isnt out .... yet.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7743175-a-memory-of-light

Only a few more months before A Memory of Light comes out. I've been reading this story since I was 22. I just finished re-reading Gathering Storm and begin re-reading Towers of Midnight tomorrow. Fuck Tolkien, with his incessant overwritten blather. Fuck George R2 Martin, with his tv-script plot twists and machavelli worshipping undertow of a moral.

HERE is a writer who drives you to be something better than you are.
Here is the blood of heroes.
Jordan's writing is something Robert E. Howard can be proud of.

Wherever, Jordan is, wherever Howard is- I can only one day hope to join them and reminisce.

from The Gathering Storm:

"A short time longer. He only had to keep things balanced a short time longer. Then it could end. And he found that he was beginning to look forward to that end as much as Lews Therin did.
You promised we could die, Lews Therin said between distant sobs.
I did, Rand said. And we will."

Great aspirations, pisspoor goals

2011-12-31T21:59:00.000-08:00

(another post from my collection of letters and journals)

When and If you decide how you want to live-
How and why you try to feel-
It all becomes a matter of what you wish to give,
Your fear must not overcome your will.
The truth of the soul is what is at stake-
Hidden behind those many veils,
That life is only of what you make-
Is only one of many Hells.
Nothing is certain, that is for sure,
Do as thou wilt, wisdom as false has been shown-
and think not too much, think not of a cure,
There’s no right way to live -You got to live your own.

I am plagued by great aspirations of conflicting goals. I want both sides and I want neither. I spew forth melodramatic fragments of thought and complete nothing. Is my inability to maintain one continuous flow of thought due to this age of procrastination and fickleness of desire, or my own failings as (may I call myself a 'writer'? - well no one else is looking, so why not?) a Writer? Faith! I cannot even complete a paragraph without changing the subject at hand.

I feel that I have so much to say and not the time, or not the ability to put the words together properly. I try so desperately to express what I really want to, but the correct phrases disappear as soon as they cross my confused mind's eye. I fear that I have addled my mind with the drugs and alcohol consumed in such haphazard fashion, romantically emulating my adolescent vision of Poe, courting tragedy as desire, and foolishly expecting glory all this time, still expecting it. Fool that I am, uneducated save by the books that I read so voraciously, not that I would not seek out such education- It is just that I am bothered by such whimsical tomfoolery such as Working, supporting my son/s, (Oh don't lie to them, Kirk old boy,) Oh, very well, I have been living and making love to women and romancing life and doing everything that I seem to think that I have not whenever I sit around and think too much. But still where is my greater meaning? Am I just a beast? When I let myself be, I suppose I am - Feeding my sense of pleasure instead of my sense of well-being.

Even now, I haven't answered the phone all day and I got up to answer it in the chance that it was Angela, my fiancee'. But no- It was Doyel, and guess what? He wants me to drive over and pick him up so we can do god knows what (Hell, I think we even surprise HIM once in a while) And guess what else? Yes- I said that I would be there in fifteen minutes. Me with negative 29 dollars in the bank and not even a checkbook at hand to fling those burning pieces of paper at the cashier at the local liquor store or restaurant. Oh boy- gotta go I suppose. Do I want to or not? I guess that I'm a masochist after all cause I am on my way.
place appropriate self-derision here)
9:30 pm
Later)

Well, that was a waste of time, but not as much of a waste as it could have been, I suppose. We just came back to the house and watched some movies and went to sleep. Not much else to do as broke as we are, not to mention exhausted.
7/7/95

The honesties that pay no dividends

2011-12-31T21:44:00.000-08:00

(this is a letter I wrote to my Dad back in the days of working at Berryhill)

Dad,
I feel that I must talk with you, and since you refuse to talk, I suppose that this letter will have to do. I don't understand exactly why you act the way you do, but you are hurting everyone around you, including yourself. No one in the world has hurt me more than or as many times as you have. You have made me cry all through my life, even up to the present. From the time I was five years old and you told my mother in front of me and Ryan that you only had one son - Ryan Berryhill, up until this very day, when you lash out at all of us here at the office, you have hurt me emotionally. I always forgave you every single thing. I have always done as everyone here does. We try to ignore the things you do and say and let life go on, hoping that one day you will simply change.

Well, I guess that I realize that you aren't going to change by yourself. I have offered you help in the past, I offered to go with you to Alcoholics Anonymous, as both of us alcoholics, not just me going with you to support you, but both of us together, supporting each other. I would do whatever it takes to help you be happy. Every time you curse me, or Grandma, or Ryan you are only making things worse. I know that we retaliate, at least Ryan and I do.

For a time I believed you. I thought that Grandma and Grandpa had done terrible things to you as a child to make you that way, but then I realized that you treat me and Ryan the same way- Like we are all shit and your life is so bad for having to deal with us. But let me tell you something, Ryan and I have never done a damn thing to YOU. Never, besides rebelling against the way you treat us. I have never done anything to hurt you, no matter how many times I locked myself in a closet as a child, crying, wishing that you were dead, I have never done anything to you. I never even struck back at you all those times you hit me, and up until a year ago I would never have thought of doing so. I don't believe Grandma did anything to you anymore, except spoil you rotten. You treat her worse than any of us, worse than the horrible way that you treat your sons. You curse her and yell at her and basically spit in her face. She is the main reason you live the way you do, expensive car, expensive house, pool, You would not have jack shit if it weren't for her- I know that you would argue about that, but you know that its true. Beyond all of that- Betrayal of family -you also are lazy and don't bother to show up for work half the time. You bitch about working all your life and you need a break once in a while - Well, Mr. Workaholic you have missed exactly 3 weeks and 4 days in the past 3 months. And oddly enough, one of those weeks was a PAID Vacation. You have some audacity, to spit in all of our faces once again, by making everyone work that much harder in order to get things done.

And today, Grandpa and Grandma really need a break, they were wanting to go on vacation but you had to go off on a drunk again, what - overworked again ? I don't think so. You bring a lot of unneeded stress on all of us. I would say that you should be ashamed, but I don't think that you know what guilt or shame is. If you did, you probably couldn't be able to look anyone in the eyes around here. I love you, but you can only beat a dog so much before he bites back, and everyone around here has been kicked just about to death.

Just think about it, reflect on what you want out of life, Do you want us all to hate you? Sometimes I think that you do, it would be easier for you to continue hating us. Well, we all love you, dad. We just wish you could get your life straight.

Your son,
Kirk
1995

Purging

2011-12-26T09:31:00.000-08:00

Whew... well that crown royal I got for xmas yesterday certainly didn't go to waste... Binge and Purge your head and your heart...

I'm good, now.

Getting the girls ready to go let them spend their holiday moolah.

Everyone have a nice post-yule day.

Drink yourself to sleep, now

2011-12-26T03:34:00.000-08:00

It never gets any easier.

If it weren't for the girls, I could forget her and move on.

Every new day that she isn't here for them is a new abandonment for me.
It's another one of those nights. I haven't cried in a long time, but I'm crying now.
Is it for her? or is it for me?

or is it for Amy and Rain?

i guess a little bit of them, and a Lot of me

Damn the stupidity in us all.

She put him out, like the burning end of a midnight cigarette.
She broke his heart.
He spent his whole life trying to forget.
They watched him drink his pain away, a little at a time
but he never could get drunk enough, to get her off his mind..
until tonight
he put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
he finally drank away her memory
Life is short, but this time it was bigger,
than the strength he had to get he had to get up off his knees
They found him with his face down in the pillow,
with a note that said "I'll love her til I die"
and when we buried him beneath the willow,
the angels sang a whiskey lullabye..

2011-12-23T18:38:00.000-08:00

Predictable fucker

2011-12-21T20:28:00.000-08:00

I was called Predictable tonight.

I don't think any of my exes would ever agree with that statement, but nowadays, I have to. I'm kinda proud to be consistent/predictable= even as boring as it is. I'll be at work in the morning (even tho its my day off.I'm weird like that). I'll rush home after work to clean house and run errands for the girls. I'll be half grumpy while still cracking jokes and laughing (at myself, most of the time). And yes, when it comes time to have free time for myself, I'll seek out a friend, and hopefully share a beer and some chilling out time.

And if that's all predictable, so be it. I'll take that as a compliment. Because I know what being unpredictable is like= and those people are fun sometimes, but you sure as shit cant trust em.

And now, I predict, I'll have another beer. Did you see that one coming?

Imperfect Gift

2011-12-13T21:06:00.000-08:00

A man stands.
Sometimes he can do no more.

Every once in a long while something brings him back to life.
Someone moves his heart, and his being to stir. Someone makes him breathe deep and appreciate that breath.

Contrary to belief, love is not perfect- it is a study of imperfection and therein lies its deepest magic. And those chaotic moments where someone special goads you out of your self-imposed exile breathes life into you when you least expect it.

And they make you want to live. They give you your own life back, with their zest for you, and what you give them in return, sometimes even as you make them pull it grudgingly from you-

words do not do those perfectly imperfect moments justice

What we share is poetry. It is very much cherished, just as it is unique.

It is the best gift I ever got, and the best i'll ever give. In the only flawed way I can give it.

Merry Christmas Babochka. This is for you, and for all the people who breathe life into you, and all the ones who breathe life into me, despite myself, most times.

her, always her

2011-12-09T20:55:00.000-08:00

I can feel her

the memory of me touching her spreads through me

a warm wave that electrifies every one of my senses

I can see her

In my mind's eye. Her smile, her eyes, HER

In my mind she is here. I wrap her up, I envelop her in my love. I tell her everything I need to tell her, how I love her, how I would do anything for her...

in reality, she's a little bit further than that

She's a foot away, My hand reaches out, then falls.

It's never that easy, is it?

Age, not necessarily wisdom

2011-12-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

You know you are getting old when you can't get angry any more...

Concluding arguments

2011-11-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

"The older you get, the fewer things you really love".

Is this wisdom, or just boredom with the things you seek and receive?

I know what things I have sought the most in my life. I don't know if it is the same with everyone... Do we all actually get what we want the most?

Do some of us never get what we want, because, having attained what we have gotten, we no longer desire it?

Do some of us never seek what we really want, because we are afraid of not being able to attain it?

Do we satisfy ourselves with less so we will not have the utter disappointment of failure at our heart's desire?

In my case, I'd have to say yes.

Love story

2011-11-02T19:01:00.000-07:00

It's that moment, when realization dawns. And they see that awful sunrise in your eyes. It's then, that your best friend tells you, he admits to you, he confesses to you- that he loves the woman that you love.

And you turn furious, accusing eyes on her. And you see her love, for him-
but also you see her love for you too...

And at first it blinds, and then it dims. And you think to yourself, I loved her first, man.

And red rage fights a battle in your mind, your heart, your soul.

But, it's never up to- You.

And you look to him, your best friend, and you look to her, your love. You try to figure out, whose betrayal is the worse. And having loved her, and having been there- where he is, with her, you even know more than they do, in that soul-crushing moment.

You realize, how fleeting their love is, and will be - and its a pebble kicked aimlessly onto your coffin, lowered in its grave as you comprehend all the more fully- how fleeting the love you had with her actually was. Now as your inner thoughts scramble to rescue it all- you can't help but feel the finality of that grand love slipping away, as it was inevitably fated to do.

In the moment of that final nightfall over your heart, you forgive them, because you know what they do not- they are doomed too. And that is when you forgive them, despite it all, despite your own hateful heart.

They will find their grail is a poisoned cup, when that love is borne of duplicity. In their hearts, they have betrayed, but the unforgivable betrayal is one of self.

God consciousness and Hippie Manifest Destiny

2011-10-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

From The New Sun, George Harrison Interview 1990 (all emphases are mine own)

Gorge Harrison: I wouldn't like to say that I'm absolutely God conscious. It's like everybody else. We're battling with the forces that are pulling us upwards and downwards at the same time. But basically we all want love, that's what I feel. And all love is really God's love. It's God's love manifest in this world through everything that's in this world, and all the people in the world. I think what the Krishna thing did for me was the Bhakti – which is called Bhakti Yoga. It's that method whereby you realize that the Lord is in everything that's in creation. So, when you look at a tree, it's really a reflection of God. You see it in other people – that's him too, you know?

They take it to the extreme: the food you eat, you taste him on your tongue, you hear him in the music. There's the whole significance of Krishna as the flute player who awakens our consciousness. It doesn't necessarily have to be a flute because for me it was a sitar or a guitar or even Elvis Presley doing "Heartbreak Hotel." It was like Krishna's flute calling me somewhere.

It's just really simple when we can remember.

I think the main thing that we have to do is try and train ourselves to remember from moment to moment that God is living within us and within everybody else, and just trying to remember to see that.

LD: Do you think there's a growing number of people who are starting to train themselves to remember?

GH: Yeah, I think it's growing all the time. Definitely, I think it's much more acceptable, the idea of meditation or yoga. The idea of God trying to contact the soul within ourselves.

Back in the 60s it was a bit like, you know , the hippies or the philosophers were the only people.

I was brought up in the kind of Catholic situation up until I was about eleven years old, which was that God is this thing that we're never going to see, we're never going to meet, but you still have to believe in what we say. It's like this blind faith in something that they can't show you.

The first thing that made me really realize that it was available was a book on yoga that I got on one of my early trips to India. It was called Raja Yoga by the Swami Vivekananda. Right on the inside of that book cover he said,

"If there's a God, we must see him and if there's a soul we must perceive it. Otherwise, it's better not to believe. It's better to be an outspoken atheist than a hypocrite."

Then, on reflection, I realized that the Christianity that had come in my life as a child was all this idea that you're never going to see him. It's like hypocrisy, in a way.

That's why I wrote in "My Sweet Lord," "I really want to see you," because if there is a God, I want to see him. I don't want to just hear some holy roller shouting about him. And the same with the Pope. I want the Pope to say, okay, I would like the Christ consciousness. I don't want to just talk about him.

LD: That line struck me when it first came out.

GH: Yeah, we all want to see him. And then, when you say, "Where is he?" they say, "Well, you can't see him. He's out there somewhere, but we don't know exactly where he is." Through the Indian philosophy and all that I came into contact with, it just showed me that it's actually inside. He lives in our hearts.

It's a matter of turning your consciousness inward in order to then realize that it's in there, and then you can see him outside too. It's just a shift in attitude, really.

LD: What do you think a person can do to understand and change themselves?

GH: I think basically people just approach it any way they can. Sometimes you can't just force yourself, but there's a saying: "Knock and the door will be opened." I think the first thing is that people have to have the desire within themselves to find out who they are. Who am I and what am I doing here and where am I going? Those sort of basic questions. Even without picking up a book or anything. If they just ask themselves that sincerely, in the quiet of the night, the door will open. And whether it will be somebody who will come along and say, "Hey, have you read this?" Or, "Why don't you come and look at this?" – it happens in many different ways.

It's how the Lord gives you, in the garden, all these differed kinds of flowers and trees because if there was only one kind of flower and you didn't like it, it would be bad. So, there's just an abundance of ways of approaching that which is within ourselves. I think that the basic answer to your questions is that it has to start within the individual.

They have to have a desire within themselves to know who they are and the reason why they are in this body.

LD: How about the future for you? Is there more that you want to know spiritually, musically?

GH: Oh yeah. I still feel like everybody else, that I'm just growing and learning. Basically, I feel pleased to have discovered this thing that's inside me, that's connected to the same thing that's inside everybody and everything. I think now it's just a matter of trying to hold onto it and manifest it more and more. If I feel love, I just want to feel more love. And if I feel a bit of peace, I want to feel more peace. But I don't really have any great ambitions. I feel very happy. I've got a lot of good friends. I just want it to be better and more of it, really. (Laughs.)

LD: How do you think the world is changing?

GH: Well, I've learned from the Bhagavad-Gita that it is not something that's just this mystical baloney that doesn't relate to our lives now. What it is, is explaining this dual energy that is pulling us one way -- upwards into higher consciousness -- and its opposing energy which is just the nature of this physical world, trying to pull us down.

What the Bhagavad-Gita says is that it's man's moral judgement from moment to moment as to which way we get pulled. We can go up or we can do down. I think generally the world is going on an upward swing. We're in a part of a cycle where people are discovering more. The communications are better. We're getting more into the subtle electricities that control the universe. We don't, as a collective life on this planet, all get groovy together or all sink into ignorance together. One by one we liberate our souls, our individual souls, from the cycle by our own realizations. So, one by one, each soul gets "released from that Memphis Blues again," you know?

LD: So it's up to each person.

GH: It is. It's deep down to each person. So in one way, we're on an upward swing, but at the same time there's still a lot of evil that goes on in the world. I think it's definitely heading in a better direction, but it seems to take so long for all the people with the power, who control the negative side of life and all the bad inventions they have like guns and bombs and hate. But there has to be a balance. We've got to all try harder to manifest more love in order to counteract all that.

Greatest Drunk in the World

2011-10-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

Some People Never go Crazy. What terrible lives they must lead.- Bukowski

Alcohol is probably one of the greatest things to arrive upon this earth, alongside of me- Bukowski

A writer has no responsibility- except to jack off in bed alone, and type a good page... (Of course, Bukowski)

Drink. Write. Fuck.

In that order of importance.

The Sunset Limited - part I

2011-10-21T17:34:00.001-07:00

"So, what am I supposed to do with you, Professor?"

"Why are you supposed to do anything?"

"Well, like I said, this ain't none of my doing. When I left outta here to go into work this morning, you weren't no part of my plans, but...here you is."

"That doesn't mean anything. Everything that happened, doesn't mean something else."

"What's it mean, then?"

"It doesn't mean anything. You run into people, and maybe some of them are in trouble or something, but it doesn't mean you are responsible for them. Anyway, people who are always looking after perfect strangers are very often the people who won't look out for the ones they are supposed to look out for, in my opinion. ... If you are just doing what you're supposed to, you don't get to be a hero"

"And that would be me?"

"I don't know. Would it?"

"I can see where there might be some truth in that, but in this particular case, I got to say, I don't know what sort of person I was supposed to be on the lookout for, or what I was supposed to do when I found him. In this particular case, I didn't have but one thing to go by-"

"And that was?"

"There he is, standing there. And I can look at him and say, he don't look like my brother, but there he is. So maybe you better look again."

"And that's what you did?"

"Well, I got to say, you were pretty hard to ignore. Your approach was pretty direct."

"I didn't approach you. I didn't even see you."

"What I don't understand, is how you come to get yourself in such a fix."

"Yeah"

"You alright, you sleep last night?"

"No."

"Well... when did you decide today was the day? Was there something special about it?"

"No... Well, today is my birthday, but I certainly don't regard that as special."

"Hmm - Well, happy birthday, Professor."

"Thank you."

"So you seen that your birthday was coming, and you decided that was a good day?"

"Who knows? Maybe birthdays are dangerous- like Christmas, ornaments hanging from the tree, wreaths from the door, and bodies from the steampipes, all over America..."

"That don't say much for Christmas, do it?"

"Christmas is not what it used to be."

"I believe that to be a true statement, I surely do."

"I got to go."

"You always put your coat on like that?"

"What's wrong with it?"

"I ain't say nothing was wrong with it, I'm just asking if that's your regular method-"

"I don't have a regular method. I just put it on"

"Mmm-hmm"

"That's what? Effeminate?"

"I''m just studying the ways of professors."

"Well, I've got to go."

"Let me get my coat."

"Get your coat? Where you going?"

"Going with you."

"What do you mean? Going with me where?"

"Going with you, where ever it is you're going."

"No you're not."

"Yeah, I am."

"I'm going home."

"Alright."

"What do you mean, Alright, you're not going home with me."

"Sure I am. Let me get my coat"

"You can't go home with me."

"Oh, what, you can go home with me, but I can't go home with you?"

"No. I mean no, that's not it. You can't go home with me."

"Why not? You live in an apt? They don't let black folk in there?"

"No. I mean, yes, yes of course they do. Look, no more jokes. I've got to go, I'm very tired."

"Okay, long as you don't run into no hassle about getting me in there."

"You're serious. "

"I think you know I'm serious. "

"You can't be serious."

"I'm serious as a heart attack."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Me? I ain't got no choice."

"Of course you do. You have a choice"

"No, I ain't"

"Who appointed you my guardian angel?"

"You know who appointed me your guardian angel. Now look, I didn't ask for you to jump into my arms down in the subway this morning."

"I didn't jump in your arms."

"No."

"Well, how'd you get there, then? ... What, now we ain't going?"

"Do you Really think Jesus is in this room?"

"No. I don't think he's in this room. I Know he's in this room. It's the way you put it, Professor. It'd be like me asking you if you think you put your coat on."

"It's not the same thing. It's a matter of agreement. If you and I say that I have my coat on, and Cecil says that I am naked and have green skin and a tail, we might want to think about where we should put Cecil so that he doesn't hurt himself."

"Who's Cecil?"

"He's not anybody. He's just a hypothetical. There's not any Cecil. He's just a character I made up to illustrate a point."

"Made up?"

"Yes"

"So, his view of things don't count?"

"No. That's why I made him up. I could have changed things up, I could have made you the one who didn't think I was wearing a coat."

"And was green, and all that other shit you said?"

"Yes."

"But you didn't?"

"No."

"You load it all off on Cecil."

"Yes."

"But Cecil can't defend hisself, on account of he ain't in agreement with everyone else so his word don't count. Aside from the fact that you made him up."

"Where is this going?"

"I'm just trying to find out about Cecil."

"I don't think so.

Long to belong

2011-10-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

‎Rocky Voyles once told me, "Everybody's got to belong to somebody".

But some of us never belong to anybody.

And, in the end, I guess thats the way we probably wanted it.

Everways Puck

2011-10-18T03:30:00.000-07:00

Captain of our fairy band,
Helena is here at hand,
And the youth, mistook by me,
Pleading for a lover's fee.
Shall we their fond pageant see?
Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Send her my Love

2011-10-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

i found Misha today.

Dana was my first, my innocence, my beauty, my goddess.

Misha was my first bad girl, the end of my innocence. She was my beauty, my goddess, but of a whole different pantheon of passion and emotion.

I have dreamed of her for 20 odd years. I had one picture of her, those years ago. When I ran away from home and ended up getting arrested in New Mexico, all those years ago, they confiscated the guns, the stolen "evidence" and my wallet, which had pictures of Dana, Charla Cusimano, Courtney, and my one pic of Misha.

I have not seen her since.

I discovered that my best friend Greg, knew her, in Amarillo, years before. We were college roommates, talking about our first loves. I mentioned Misha, described her in so much perfect detail, that he recognized her. I recalled that she had moved from Amarillo to Lubbock. And it was so crazy- He knew her as the most beautiful girl in his school, before she moved off.

And she had moved to Lubbock and met me. She was so wild, so free, so decadent, and even so corrupt. She was the girl that made it impossible for all other girls that followed. She was a hard act to follow.

I've looked for her, on and off, for years.

I've heard this, and that. And ran into her Dad a time or two, years after she was gone.

But then, she was gone.

And- I found her tonight.

No matter how jaded i think I am, I walked on clouds today, having seen her once again.

Love never forgets.

The foolish notion known as love

2011-10-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

A few hours ago we were kissing. I held her in my arms and she kissed my neck softly and I didnt want to let her go.

I was writing her to tell her what she means to me. And I'm pretty good at this writing shit, not to toot my own horn, but I can throw some romantic syntax when the mood takes me- but It wasn't ENOUGH. I didn't want to imagine her reading my words, this time.

So I decided I would call her, and pour out my heart. And so i deleted the long letter and I called her, breathless with anticipation. My heart leapt and bounced sideways in my chest as I prepared the words in my head.

She answered, and you could hear the smile on my face as I beamed- "Hey you, what are you doing?" Her voice was a little flat. "I'm sitting here with _____." It took a second or two to register. And then my heart sunk a mile. It all hit, immediate and crashing like an elevator dropping out from under me. "Oh, you went to see him at-" "No he's here, at my apartment"

And, that was that. And even before I clicked end, I already felt like the fool that I was- that I am. I was already laughing at myself while crying inside with shame.

Beg for it

2011-10-13T15:53:00.000-07:00

HNIC-DFB

2011-10-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

Listening to "Red light" for the thirtieth time, this week. Why is pain remembered somehow a source of pleasure for me as I get older?

It brings me happiness to dwell on the sadness. What the hell IS that all about, anyway?

I have a half-ass gf who keeps playing all these games., and i'm way too old for that shit, but, its all the relationship i've got, so somehow i keep hanging in there, thinking it will get better. The relationship is all secret, on both sides. We play our roles, and avoid the commitment aspect. We tell each other we love each other, and I think we do. But, we've been through a lot. And a relationship just isn't the end-all, be-all it was made out to be.

I don't really know how into me she is, or is not. We are a lot alike. We are, well, both sluts. And the odd thing is, we don't ever hardly ever fall into bed with each other. We are close friends, and we give each other support. We take care of each other. And we have that deeper love, that I imagine is how older couples feel about one other. I wouldn't know. I have never had a relationship that lasted long enough to know.

The sexual aspect just doesnt factor in that much. She's really hot. And a lot younger. And she keeps me from feeling alone. I expect I do the same for her. The oddest thing is that the passion that is usually the first all-consuming notion of a new relationship isnt there. Its just like we are such good friends that we can't really go there- on either side.

I can sense that she knows that I am good for her, and I know she would be good for me. But we just can't go to "that place". Emotionally, sexually. We don't allow ourselves to lose control.

And thus, it really isn't real.

Love is all about losing control, and giving in, and freeing your mind to the whims of your heart.

And, we just don't go there.

And, maybe its all for the best. i hate being alone, and i hate being with someone. I'm a difficult fucking bastard, this is true.

I'll leave it there, for now..

Friends that fade

2011-10-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

Doyel's dad called me last week.

Turns out Doyel is coming up for parole. He's been in prison ten years now. I'd say I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I have. On him, even.

His dad said that he "knows that there's been some history" but asked if I would write a letter to the parole board recommending an early release.

I feel for his family, I truly do. He shit on them a hundred times worse than he did on me. And arguments could be made that they brought it on themselves. I don't believe that part, any more. Truth is, poverty and ignorance go hand in hand. And hanging around with the people I did, in the circles I did, gave me a helluva insight into generational devolution and the morass of apathy that is the lower-lower class. It spawns itself, over and over. Few of us ever get beyond it.

I didn't tell his dad that I'd write that letter. I did, however get the address. And I thought I might write it. But, it ended up that I didn't.

"knows that there's been some history". Yeah, that, there has been. I remember a lot of things about my old best friend. Things you can't un-remember, no matter how hard you try.

Ryan and I moved from the projects to the country. Mom married sideways, from the single mother with 3 jobs, kids raising ourselves lifestyle out to Bumfuck Egypt. We moved out to a three acre farm, with a step-dad who would one day become beloved to us, but at the time was just a alkie welder with a decent job. We moved out to the East side, past the ghetto, out into the ramshackle neighborhood of shacks, trailers and half-ass farms that filled an area that was surrounded by cotton fields. Our new step-brothers didn't like us none, and sure didn't like their new replacement mom- who was filling the void their real mom left when she took off and wrote them all off. At the time, they might have thought she was going to come back some day. She never did.

So, here were two city kids, moved out to nowhere, with a new built-in family who didnt really care for us a bit.

Doyel was the neighbor kid. He was two years older than me when I met him. I was 12, he was 14. The first week we met him, he had noticed how our new step-brothers were picking on us and testing us, and he decided to join in on the fun. I bloodied his nose and pushed him off his bike, which gained me some respect from my redneck step brothers, but no love from Doyel. We all rode the bus to school together the first couple of years that I knew him. I was already a little rocker. Doyel, raised up christian, listened to Stryper, a christian rock band. We had yelling matches on the bus all that time- Me proclaiming "six-six-six" and giving the devil horns, and Doyel piously yelling out "Seven-Seven-Seven, God Rules!" Hell, he didn't even cuss til he turned 16.

My older step brothers had been run off by my mom by the time Doyel turned 16. She had quit drinking, got my step-dad to quit drinking, and alcohol was "no longer allowed in This house!" So of course, my older stepbrothers left, although they would drift back in, from time to time- whenever they were down and out. My youngest brother and step-brother caught the football bug, and sports became their life. Doyel became 16 and got an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. So, Fuck the bus... we ended up hanging out more and more.

... Damn. I am starting to realize this could be a novel. No time for all that shit now.... Too much reminiscing makes Daddy pine for the fjords. (There ya go, John). I'm going to try to avoid fleshing this story out too much, and just stick to the remembrances that swam through my head all this week as I contemplated Doyel, the past, the present, and whatever future there may be.

I remember picking up Dana Gentry and Holly Smits in the mornings at Lake Ransom Canyon and taking them to school - Two dirt road longhair punks hanging out with rich girls. I remember parties in the ghetto, Doyel getting me into fights (He NEVER Fought)... I remember we would cross reference how much alchohol and gas money a girl could get her hands on with how easy she was in our decision making for who we would pick up that night. I remember his parents banning me from his house and mine banning him from mine. I remember breaking his bedroom window sneaking girls into his house late at night. I remember going out to Horseshoe bin canyon and listening to Queensryche Operation Mindcrime and Metallica Kill em all and stairway to heaven at the top of the canyon and listening to the music reverbate off the canyon walls.

I remember letting him drive everywhere, cuz he was a better driver, and it gave me more time to make out in the backseat with whichever girls we had picked up. I remember his fucked up family, and getting in fights with them cuz my Daddy was rich. I remember winning most of those fights. I remember the night he graduated high school and we partied. I remember the night I graduated high school and we partied. I remember every other night in high school (and we partied). I remember him picking up my camaro at my work, then him showing up when my shift was up, with a pair of girls and a case of beer. I remember losing a lot of sleep and living on vivarin.

I remember surfing on my t-tops and street racing everywhere we went, day or night. I remember swords, and petty theft, and gangfights and road dogs and lots and lots of weed. I remember the night I told him I was leaving Lubbock to go to college in Dallas and how we went on a crying drunk. I remember how he never forgave me for leaving to go to Dallas while he stayed stuck in god-damned Lubbock.

I remember bringing people from college back to party at his house. I remember finding out he sold my little brother dope and me threatening to kill him if I heard he ever did it again. I remember talking him into leaving the dope and the fucked up family and coming to Dallas to work at the service station I did after I dropped out of college. I remember the people at the liquor store gave him a charge account and looked at me like I was crazy when i asked for one. I remember Doyel picking up some black girls who ended up giving us enough furniture to furnish our whole apartment. I remember getting arrested with him and him signing out of jail under my name when I got bailed out because I was asleep. I had to figure out on my own that I was him, in order to get out of jail later that day by pretending I was him. I remember him leaving me with rent due and sneaking back to Lubbock when Randy Laird got out of prison. I remember him going back to the meth. I remember writing him off.

I remember getting drunk one day, years later, and going out to his house. I remember regretting that, and I remember John Welch and Angela Rash regretting it far more than me. I remember Doyel stealing my truck and my cell phone. Racing for $20 bumps all night on 82nd street the night Angela moved out, and blowing my motor later that night. I remember selling him the fucked up truck later, making him sign a contract for $1500 for it. I remember he paid me $50 down. And that was fucking it.

I remember him getting more and more dope-fucked. I remember the night he spiked a shot of tequila with a sixteenth of crank while i was damn near passed out and made me drink it. I woke instantly up, and we were headed for Relax & Tan in my fiancee's car. I only got half a block before i totalled her car. I remember how Doyel told me it was a good thing for the crank because I was able to come up with such an iron clad alibi/lie to tell the cops that night so that we wouldnt go to jail and the insurance would still cover the car.

I remember Doyel coming over with Donny Dunaghey and trying to sell me a military issue bulletproof jacket and taking turns shooting each other with a .22 pistol while wearing it in my front yard. I remember thinking just hanging out with idiots like this prevented me from ever doing hard drugs.

I remember him ripping me off. Once, twice. Three times.

I remember the last time he came over to my house, on a sunday afternoon. How he threw his waterproof crank container in my 2 year old daughters swimming pool to her, as she waded. I remember him trying to sell that crank to one of my friends, who he didnt know and had never met while I sat there watching his tweaked out ass. He asked if he could have a beer. There had been a party the night before, and I still had a fridge full. I said yes, come on in. I opened the fridge for him, and I said take all you want. I remember how he greedily held his dingy shirt out in order to load it up with about 8 bottles of beer. I remember how happy he looked at his good fortune. He gleefully loaded it up in his truck and popped one open.

I remember asking him if he could do a favor for me, in return. He smiled and said, "Sure!" And I remember telling him to get in his truck, and to leave my house and to never, EVER come over or talk to me again.

And I remember thinking, Goddamn, if I Never see him again, it'll be too soon.

And I haven't yet.

Time Capsule

2011-09-17T08:13:00.001-07:00

Tristan is here. We are doing his birthday party with the Berryhills today. Then maybe catching his first ever movie in a theatre. Hopefully he wont set the place on fire.

Amy's doing well with the guitar thang. She played her first concert this year, just a small West Texas music fest, but she was the youngest guitarist there, playing on stage with Walk of Famer John Hartin. It was an awesome experience for her. She really did well and I think it built her self-confidence immensely. She's really come into her own these past years. The stuff with her mother has hurt her, but it didn't break her. Like me and my real father, it has burned away the excess and revealed the steel underneath. Amy is very, very strong, unlike her mother. Where Andrea let her personal tragedies warp her, Amy has shaped the bad into good and used it to make her a better person. She's much like Evan.

Evan's doing well. College classes going good, he finally shifted to ASU, where he had gotten accepted in the first place, but his mother stepped in and screwed that up. He's working almost full time and I'm proud of his multi-tasking and being successful at making it all work.

Andrew came to visit last month for his 22nd birthday. That was a really good time. It was great having him and the girls together again. They miss their brothers quite a bit. We did a bunch of family activities. Andrew had mentioned going out for his birthday, but I thought about it, and I let him go with his Aunt instead. I can think of nothing more depressing or reprehensible than drinking with your child, crazed alkie that I may be at times. So we stuck with family stuff and it was a great experience. So many things have changed since Andrew was a child. He has grown so much. It's actually amazing how Amy mirrors Evan and Andrew mirrors Rain. But maybe its not that amazing, I raised them all, in the formative years, and they all exhibit some of the same characteristics. I am proud of the job I did on that end- striving to be like my mother and instill the core values deeply. They are good, thoughtful kids who know wrong from right and strive to be better than the average person.

Self-awareness and self-analysis is a big part of that. Each day we learn more about those around us, and ourselves.

Tristan's hair has grown back from where I shaved it, into a cute little crewcut. His mom is still pissed off at me. But, the hell with her. Its just hair. And the mohawk looked cool for a little while at least, heh. She fucked me on the divorce, after I strived to make it the least expensive on our wallets and try to be adults about it. I set up the child support to automatically come out, at the rate we agreed upon. I've got no problem with that. I wish Andrea could hold a job so she could whittle down what she owes me ($55,000 at this point). Lauren secretly moved to Kansas without telling me, taking Tristan with her. At this time, she's in contempt of court for not informing me of her intention to move, giving me her new address, and new Kansas Driver's license. I spoke with an attorney. It will cost roughly $10,000 to fight for partial custody, complicated by the fact that since she is in Kansas now, Kansas may not choose to uphold a Texas court ruling.

Sigh. Burned again by trusting someone to follow their word.

She doesn't want to keep Tristan from me. (Thank god). She just wants to control how and when I see him. It's Trish all over again. Except with Trish, the undercurrent was straight up Bubba-and-Wanda. If I got with Trish, everything would be okay. So, the blackmail back then was I could see Evan if I saw Trish. And I chose not to do that. Not like it would have worked out anyhow.

So, who the hell knows what is in Lauren's head? The girls are very upset with her right now, especially Amy. I had a week planned to pick up Tristan for Labor day and when I called Lauren, she started a fight on the phone, then denied me picking up Tristan at all. The court papers say I get him every other weekend, but when she has taken him 1000 miles away, its a helluva trip to see him for 48 hours. Not to mention she's getting 25% of my net income, and since I dont get child support things are very tight.

She filed bankruptcy soon after I told her I wanted a divorce. Which is hilarious, since a lot of her problems with our marriage all had to do with money, and she refused to look into a bankruptcy while we were together. I paid down her credit cards, sold my Grandfather's 39 Chevy and liquidated everything I could that last year of trying to make it work. And what does she do when we leave? She maxes them all out (on the advice of her lawyer) and then files bankrutpcy. She has the gall to claim everything was my fault. But she's irrational like that. When we went to the marriage counselor (which she insisted upon, and found a woman she liked because she thought that woman would see things her way) she got in a fight with the counselor on the second session. It's funny now, I look back and that entire session was just a microcosm of exactly what was wrong with our marriage and why it was NEVER possible for us to be happy together.

I had found the opposite of Andrea, and thought that somehow made it perfect. I thought I could put aside my own ego and love Lauren. And I did for awhile, but her constant attacks boiled away whatever love I had for her. I remember loving her. But there's nothing left now. And everytime she tries to make things hard for me, it makes me hate her a little more.

I still have a soft spot for Andrea, some nights, but its more of a wanting what you cant have than it is any real love. I wish she'd get her shit together, for the sake of the girls, but that ain't happening. She married an Army guy one year ago and after that she's managed to go thru one stripper and two other Army guys (from the same base, good lord) in that year. Yeah, her-getting-her-shit-together is about as close to an impossibility as Jesus coming back in 2012.

I am dating a tiny bit now, but its a chore. The girls take most of my time and I have little extra cashola, so its just here and there. Mainly on dates with women I've known for years and who always seem to re-appear here and there over time. I guess that they can tell I'm not needing a serious relationship because it will go alright for a while, then I guess they move on because I'm just not into them, or whatever.

I think I helped save a friend's life recently. I hope he's alright. I suspect he is. I expect great things from him, if he can find his own salvation. For what it's worth, I found mine.

2011-09-11T00:21:00.001-07:00

So, I'm drifting thru this life, pretty as you please

Nothing ever seems to make sense when I try to make sense of it. But when I let go of trying to control it all, it all makes perfect sense

go figure

I'm in love with love, and lost with lust, and screwed when trying to screw

the only time things work out is when I dont know what to do..

everything has an odd way of working itself out, in the end.

the times that i think i should break are the moments when I find myself in a bend

Back in the day, It was all about not yielding. And now I know nothing's more vital than a friend

Drunken bs NOT aside, i'd like to invite you on this ship for a new journey dawning...

Scottie Kirk

2011-09-06T07:52:00.000-07:00

Scottie Kirk. RIP Ma.

Connigh ort

2011-08-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

When you think you have nothing more to give

When you think you have nothing left

you half-ass want nothing more. You want it to be over, on some level

but you know it aint.

and everyone around you is quitting, in every fucking way, in every fuckng manner

and you hear the whispers in your ear - "lay down. rest. give up. give in. give it away."

and you just want peace. The peace of nothing. the peace of the grave. the glorious techni-fucking-color end to hang your hat on

And you lie down, in the dirt.
and you look up one last time, and say fuck it, fuck this, fuck everything.

....

and then you get pissed off at yourself, for finding that last little bit of you, that even YOU didnt know was there. And you pull yourself up, by your last little bit of will. And you dust yourself off

And you laugh at the bullshit of it all.

You can't quit. because you are addicted to the hell and the pain of it all.

Peace is for pussies.

Today's message

2011-08-30T17:29:00.000-07:00

HALLUCINATE RESPONSIBLY

Creations taking new forms

2011-08-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

My blogger friend Busker has been visiting the actual House of the Rising sons heah in Texas, and in comparing our artistry, we decided to collaborate to create a song or two, (and maybe, hopefully more).

He picked thru some of my writing and poetry, and liked the one that follows below, "The Toast". It's a very personal piece, and one that he has a lot of empathy with these days. He's written the piano music for it, as well as worked out the vocal stylings. I'll get the song posted as soon as he gets it recorded.

The Toast

Roomful of faces again, looking to me, their eternal host,
I raise my glass, look past their emptiness and utter this toast-

How did I know that this could be my fate?
How can I hate something I never could appreciate?
Riddles of Life-Love-Lust, of Demons and Drink,
And I only smile the widest as I stumble at the brink...

A drunken marionette, chaos unwound with the face of a clown
Laughing at the Creator while coveting his crown,
I curse it all and refuse to believe in Him on his throne,
for if there really is a heaven- then I'll be eternally Alone.

So, Pour me another, to drown this fool's sorrows
Here's to you, and no more tomorrows.

Kirk
1/31/2004

Trust a woman,..

2011-08-17T06:29:00.000-07:00

Trust a woman....

...to be a woman.

Let love rule. Love people for who they are, not who you wish they were.

Enjoy the things that you love about a person. Discard and disregard those things you dislike. If the things you enjoy about them don't outweigh the things that irritate you, then let that person go.

Winning is losing is winning.

2011-08-02T13:35:00.000-07:00

The best way to win with a woman is when they don't even realize you have won. In fact, the best possible outcome in a man-woman conflict is when they go away thinking that they have one-upped you, no matter what the reality ended up being.

A bad outcome is when you have come out on top, and they know you have. Because then their vengeful streak may come out and they will have to do something, no matter how subtle, to undercut your "victory." A lot of times you will never become aware of the "equalizer" that they will employ in these situations, And then, you lose, because you thought it was over. Alas, it's never over-until they believe they are ahead.

The worst possible outcome is when you win, and they know you have won. And then, for some completely stupid macho man reason, you make them acknowledge that you have won. This is the surest road to ruin.

The bricks that build nothing

2011-07-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

I'm fucking pissed off

I've been forced to see that harpy ex-wife of mine

on Bubba's fb- All i wanted to do is wish him well on the birth of his new son

but there is that cunt- jibber-jabbering about this and that

Why the fuck is my ex-wife his friend any-fucking-way? i've fucked his ex-wife, and i didnt feel the need to friend that piece of shit.

So, Bubba has propagated again. Now he has a little boy with his new woman, who is still married to the guy Bubba snuck up and fucked her behind whose back.

Well, I hope he takes the effort to be around this one. He sure as shit abandoned his girls

Fucking scumbag cunts. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for too long.

The more i think about it, the more pissed I get. Its as if I friended Wanda and let her make dumbshit comments.

The truth is, Bubba IS Andrea. They are both worthless attention whore fucks. Fuck them both.

I am ashamed of all the moments of my life that I wasted taking care of both of those fucking losers

2011-06-30T23:34:00.000-07:00

Blast from the past = found some old drunken writing from 2007 : Enjoy

Eleven thirty thoughts

Late enough that I have mellowed, but not so late that I’ve started to get silly.
Got the mp3 changer blaring,,, each song takes me with it- moving my emotions and state of mind according to the whims of the computer’s semi-random shufflin…

Summertime… by Janis… been awhile since I’ve heard this. Fuck Cobain. Joplin had more pain in two notes than that little spoiled garage band bitch had in his whole repertoire. Ah, that’s not nice. Cobain’s sposed to be my hero.

Hero. A fucking junkie who kills himself. Why is that cool? Cause he was famous and rich that’s why. Any poor white trash like myself can blow my head off. But he had money and fame and still offed hisself. For a bad tummy ache and a bad tooth. Some say.

Ah fame. Pretty much any moron will worship you if you are ahead of the average fuckhead. I would analyze this further- double pause – if I truly gave a shit.

Apparently I don’t. Sorry, Kurt. Enjoy the afterparty.

It’s hard to hold a coherent thought when the next song that pops up is Rick fuckn Springfield. Ah, Sweet 80’s pimphood. That fucker cant even get a date now. I’m sure he wishes he had Jessie’s girl right now. He’d probably settle for Jessie’s mom at this juncture…

Wow. Back when Snapping was a legitimate musical accessory. Good god, this cures any pining for the 80s I might have been secretly holding.

And… It’s over. Praise Allah, Yahweh, and 3 other random semi Jew deities…
Beer me. Why thank you, sir.

… okay a country song came up- yes, I know what you are thinking- Kirk listens to country?! Listen up fuckasses. I was born in a trailer park in West Texas. What the hell do ya expect? It’s Sawyer Brown. Could be worse. I like this damn song. "I’ve been in your shoes." Ah, Sawyre Brown, the Rascal Flats of 1991. Yee- (Deep introspective pause) Haw.

And holy fuck, Sawyer Brown just achieved a higher plane of existence,,, The next song is Johnny Horton’s Battle of New Orleans.. When the hell did I download THAT? Holy 3rd grade flashback. "Yeah they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles where the rabbits couldn’t go."

Almost intellectual compared to Toby Keith. Ah, Rock and Roll rears its bestial head, Bout time (for another beer) . Theory of a dead man. Not too bad, Tad bit contrived, but what white boy rock ISNT?

Be back in a cool minute. Just for posterity’s sake- I bought Crossed Keys last bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale after work today, plus a 30 of Bud, because I was in the mood to get nasty drunk. That was four hours ago. Damn you tolerance level, damn you to hell.

Did I mention I pissed my gf off? Of course not. Trying not to think about it. Meanwhile, the planet keeps turning… Ah, Excellent version of "Dear God" just played. I don’t know where I got that either. I thank it was Maclachlan but I am not sure. Made we want to hear some Slayer covers I have sung by Tori Amos (Really) but I cant find the damn things. I have way too much shit downloaded. I probably should stop relying on the "Chaos theory" to sort my mp3 collection instantaneously…

I have the Cardigans doing "Mr.Crowley" here somewhere. Or maybe they are on the other computer… Fuck. Pros and cons to living by the seat of my pants, babee.

Damn. I know I will lose all respect from the Hoyty toyty tech intellectual feminists who read my blog but in sake of full disclosure, I must admit, Limp Bizkit just played. Hey , it was an accident, really. God fucks with me like that, I swear.

Roger Alan Wade is playing now. Nuff said about that. We will skip the song title on this one to avoid a full boycott.

"She ain’t too cheap, lord, but she’s the best that I;ve had" Leviticus 3:12

Shit,starting to wind down. I havent reverted to typo city quite yet. But feeling the buzz, This little experiment in drunken music criticism may be drawing to a close.

Bluest eyes in Texas are haunting me tonight. Don’t they always?

Last minute regrets

2011-06-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

It's times like this, when I could be thinking of anything, and i only have one thing in my mind, that I realize it was love.

... and, what? you can lurk or you can live. What will we all do, in the end?

to fill the emptiness

2011-06-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

Your life is filled with what you decide to fill it with. If your life is empty, that is because you don't have anything with which you wish to fill it. I have moments that are not only empty, but ones where i want to remove the things i've already filled it with.

That, is a depressing thing- wanting to empty your life on purpose, because you have decided that those things you thought had substance, were all illusions

and, maybe they are, but most likely they arent- but you are filled with such a self-hate that you want that emptiness.

You want some kind of "do-over" but you can't get it- no matter how much you empty yourself. You can't unlive your life. You have to deal with it.

Being a man isnt so much glorying in your deeds- Its owning your MISdeeds. And going forward. As much as you'd like to cast away your mistakes, they are very much a part of you. And, how much of a man you truly are- is determined by how you deal with your own foolishness of the past.

OWN IT.

Turn and stand up to it.

You will never be able to run fast enough or far enough to forget your own sins.

Internal Rage

2011-06-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

My last text to Andrea, tonight: You lost everything that mattered: Not me, the girls. I hope you can get high enough to make up for it.

I don''t know if my life is a godsend or a curse.

The three main loves of my life all have boyfriends.

I'll try and let that sink in...

I'm the perpetual "other" guy. I'm the one they love to get attention and affection from. I'm the one they tell me = they "Could" love

but ... but.. but...

lots of buts.

I'm the guy they fall back on. I'm the one they turn to, when their man isnt there. I'm the one they don't trust. I'm the one they "Want" to love.

I'm a fucking joke

a punchline

once I was IT, now i'm just second string lover for a string of women who want more from their own men, but are too afraid to ask too much.

i get that.

i understand. Hell, i even sympathize,

i love them all, I want to be the guy that gives them what their man doesnt.

But the truth is, I'm only good with the passion, the sex, the MOMENT.

and they Want all that= AND the daily committment, the surrender that accompanies the relationship

So there they are, all those fools who are willing to give it up

and here i am, the fool who will give everything- except - that.

and so, they take their man's surrender, and they collect him, to own. And when they find him wanting, they seek out me= and while they use me to fill the gaps, they tell me all things they want , knowing i cant give them

but still they take what they can.

and they blame me, for not giving enough, for not being their everything.

They cant blame their man- he wouldnt handle such criticism. But they always feel they can heap it on me, the Other man. They always assume I dont care, dont want, dont desire.

They are always so wrapped up in their own emotions and desires that they never think to consider that even the Other man, may want something other than to be their toy.

The Tao Of Tigger

2011-06-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

Damn it all, I hate to admit it, but I miss them already.

I also hate to admit, that without my kids around, I really don't have much of a life.

Oh, well. Better to be bored than in another fucked up relationship. Everytime I feel like I need a woman in my life, I just go to Jesse's house. After 15 minutes of watching his wife run his ass around in circles and watch him justify her bullshit, I'm ready to file for divorce AGAIN lol.

Poor guy. Jesus, its almost abuse. But I guess to him it's better than nothing.

Thank you, but I'll have a doubleshot of nothing.

I'm going to drink a beer and go play video games now. And maybe watch some (gasp!) porn (oh noes!)

What's that sound I hear? Oh yes, its absolutely fucking NOTHING.

Ahhh....

so nice

Fighting for my unbelief

2011-06-07T06:06:00.001-07:00

New conclusion: Skewering them for their belief alone is never as productive or as effective as the following alternative method-

Skewer them on how shoddy their belief is, and on how poorly they themselves follow their own faith. If this is, indeed, their ultimate faith, how can they take it so much less seriously than we, the unbelievers, do?

Pointing out that their entire religious views make no sense only armors them for a battle for righteousness. Instead, point out how hypocritical they are in claiming such ultimate righteousness for their faith, and condemning the rest of the world to hell, when they treat their own faith more like a half-assed advertising campaign than by the rules that they claim lead you to everlasting torment or eternal bliss.

I mean, if I believed in that simple tenet, that all Christians (that I've ever met) seem to believe in- I would tread my life's path a little more carefully than they do.

I don't know "the truth". I don't claim to know That. But I can call Bullshit when I see it. And I will continue to do so.

The antipeace of conformity

2011-05-27T23:10:00.000-07:00

Let me go
let me go
let me GO

lost in a world where I have no control

Sick kid, coughing all night
whisper comforts, hold him tight

powerless, in a position of surrender
once a thousand paths, now a hopeless dead-ender

Let me run
let me run
let me RUN

lost in a cage where there's no escape

I start to leave, then I feel their need
my heart is empty, theirs have yet to bleed

So i spin in place, grind my gears
Forfeit my desires and forget that thing-fear

Let me die
let me die
let me DIE

found in a place with only one door

I let my wounds pour, til unwillingly they clot
Nail myself to this place, hope for death as i rot

Left foot, right foot, taking steps to conform
the calm is about me, in this eye of the storm

Twisting Relationships

2011-05-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

A good friend is a thousand times more irreplaceable than a good lover.

There are days when the love you bear a good friend stretches into the possiblity of, or the realm of- romantic love and passionate love.

I find myself fearful of possibilities like this. There is too much to lose when you cross that line. And you almost never can get back to that point once the line is crossed- you experience that level of relationship, and it doesnt work out, and then you struggle to get back to the purity of the friendship- where you were before.

I want my next lover - if there ever is one- to be my friend too. But I value my best friends too highly to corrupt that perfect relationship with the chaos of Love, the greed of Lust, and the insecurity of uneven hearts.

Looking for someone to blame

2011-05-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

I wish I just had one person that I could blame this broken heart on.

Whiskey morning conclusions

2011-05-18T06:22:00.000-07:00

"I'm afraid I am destined for tragedy..."

"Why do you say that?"

...

"Because I wouldn't have it any other way..."

mystery lover theatre

2011-05-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

the first time was the best... Pinot Grigio, this album, that I'd never heard, playing, at your insistence. I remember you telling me things I'll never repeat - but that i'll never forget. You beneath me. Me stopping- scared by the look of incredulous shock in your wide eyes. Neither of us believing in the power of the moment- Marukka den es mort, and how I lied, to protect you, to protect myself-

and we danced away; from each other, from those perfect moments that we both knew could never be recreated. I want you to know I think of you, and that moment- and how much that moment changed me, forever. And you are minutes away, and yet ...millions of miles away. And I know, i'll never reach out, and you never will either. So all i can hope is that some days you revisit that moment in your head, and share it with me again.

Love is always best tempered with memory.

Sacred, part 1

2011-05-02T18:57:00.000-07:00

Each man decides what is sacred, inviolate, to himself.

I have seen many things. I have done many things. I know what is sacred to me. Of this, I have no doubts.

I have choked down the father who once beat me, who I once watched beat my mother, as a powerless child. I have looked him in the eyes, shown him mercy, hate, compassion and even love. And walked away from the shell that he was.

I have raised children, lost children, prayed for their forgiveness and railed against them in self righteous anger. I have loved them all and know that my only hope of redemption in their eyes lies in their eyes and hearts alone.

I have closed the eyes of my mother on her deathbed, while others wept around me.

I have raised my fists in useless anger, I have struck in the defense of others, I have wounded the helpless when I had no need to.

I have loved of women, and lost. I have been loved and have forsaken love freely given.

I have doubted, so much I have doubted. And I have believed.

And, I believe now. I know in my heart what is sacred to me. I know what blasphemies are hollow and what transgressions I would never dare, lest I truly doom myself - to myself.

Each man a temple, and in his heart beats a man's own religion. Some may doubt anew. I have doubts no more. I know my own heart, and that is the grail, the reason, the meaning I have always searched for. Knowing it is what is the most sacred belief of all.

2011-04-17T05:47:00.000-07:00

Woke up foggy- peel back the curtain of life to an empty street and wonder at it all. Breathe in the dreaming: Is it real, is it bad, does it matter? Tristan hears me stirring, and stirs in turn- "Daddy?" It's a question and an order all in one. I go to his bed and bid him good morning. Satisfied that he has touched base with HIS reality, he returns to his dream. And mine- wisps away

prologue this was good enough to write down in one of my journals (skeleton) . I elaborated a tiny bit there. I wonder if I should here. But, naw, I'll let it stand alone. Tristan's up now. I'm cooking sausage, he's bouncing around, eating applesauce and huggin on "My Daddy!" I've got CMT playing in the background (you know I'm feeling sentimental when I'm listening to country music).. I've been loving on the classic alternative channel for weeks now on the music channels on cable. It's - well, hell, its a good damn morning. Beer with breakfast, but hey its a sunday,and it'll be alright. Twist wants to play on the computer, so I;m gonna get off here and let him tear shit up. Enjoy your day, folks. Its the little things..

Thanks to a friend

2011-04-07T18:38:00.000-07:00

For Robin- ... some days I find myself in such a hole that i dont even want to claw my way out. Its : keep on for the kids. and thats basically it. You really are my best friend. And days like today- in a hundred subtle ways, I draw strength from your example. I used to be bullet proof and knew it all and didnt give a second thought to a thing so weak-as a second thought. I still dont doubt myself - but I sure do doubt the world around me. And that shit wears on me. There is a saying "There are those who take the heart out of you- but, there are those who put it back." .... There are days I thank god (whatever the hell that concept is, but I thank it ) to have someone like you in my life. I used to be you= I put the life into people. I dont know where the fuck I went wrong. but I lost that. And I hate myself for it. But you renew that sense/ And you make me want to be better than I am now. And I just wanted you to know that.

Determining what you Deserve

2011-03-24T21:54:00.001-07:00

Considering what you believe you "Deserve" out of life is self-delusion.

Forgive me for boiling it down to basics, but you get what you earn, not what you deserve. Circumstances and random chance and even luck may affect your fate, may even engineer it, in the end.

But- in the meantime, no matter what chance of birth you had, no matter what foul luck befalls you, no matter who and how rich your daddy was, how crack addled your mother might have been when she begat you- Regardless of all these factors, beyond the stars and fate and god's will= You have but one avenue that will make you deserving of anything better.

And that is how you live your life.

That is the choices you make yourself, the way you guide YOURSELF, after all the other factors out of your control fall to the wayside. You have only your footsteps to follow. And you may have had poor guides in your road. But again, circumstances aside- it is what your wits and your instincts drive you to- It is what your fears keep you from, or save you from. It is your decisions that make you WHO you are, in the end, not your birth, not your environment, not your friends, not your enemies. It is your choices, and where you stand strong, where you bend, where you break, and where you rebuild your self.

It is the eyes you meet, or look away from in that damned mirror.

They can haunt you, or they can fill you with determination. Or both. Or neither.

But it is our actions (and inactions) that determine how we look at ourselves.

No one else's opinion matters. Except for those few individuals in our lives who have Earned our full respect. However impropable it was for them to do so, in our self absorbtion and self hate and fear of someone who is better than ourselves.

And if you can't even value your own opinion- well. stop now. read no more. For more self-study will only damn you further.

Fearing your life is a failure is not a failure. It is sanity.
Judging yourself harshly is not a sin. It is sainthood.
Meeting that judgement, and meeting your own eyes- and nodding in grudging respect-

is the only godhood you will ever experience.

It's never too late to earn your own respect, (back, even).

You are the only one you have to convince.

For - Me. And for the people I've come to fully respect in this life. There are times they were weak, and I despised them for their weakness. And there are times I thought they were weak, and I realized it was my weakness that built my resentment. I can judge them. But my judgements of others don't mean a fucking thing- just like their judgements of me don't mean anything.

Judge yourself. Or don't judge anything at all.

Surrending Desires

2011-03-20T00:49:00.000-07:00

I'm just not the most social person when i am sober.

Drinking lets me pretend that this world is somehow better than it truly is.

When I'm clear all that I see I dont really like. I dont find much joy in this existence. There's my kids. But that is pretty much it. Everyone else is pretty much of a letdown most of the time. I am here for my kids. Thats what I do. I wont quit and I wont fail. But i dont get much joy, if any, anymore.

"In simpler dreams I find a simpler worth" I wrote that line twenty years ago, and it means more to me now than it did even back then. But its so hard releasing all the bullshit and living without desires. I AM my desires. I am fucking and fighting and drinking and dying and LIVING. But to have peace I have to surrender all that. And I just don't know if I can.

I have passion in all the wrong things, and in few of the right ones. And I fear I cannot change that. I have always been a lover of women. When I'm not loving them I am dreaming of loving them. And I never stop dreaming. In the end they fail me, and without fail- I fail them too- in the long run. I don't want one woman, at the end of the day. I dont want that happy ending. I want to fall in love with a girl I am standing behind in the checkout line of the supermarket. I want to meet a stranger's eyes with a long passing glance and lose myself in that millisecond's love and lust. I want to feel my heart jump, and remind me that I'm alive when I see a woman I want to make love to.

I don't want a happy ending- and- huh- how about that? Realizing this, why the hell should I expect one?

Gift of Faith

2011-03-10T17:04:00.001-08:00

Faith- is something that I've never held in anything other than myself. And most of the time, that faith is in short supply as well.

I told my devout christian mother that I didn't believe in god when I was eight. I have trouble remembering the events of last week at times, but I remember that day, and that conversation clearly as if it were yesterday. She was driving, around the loop, in our beat-the-hell up car. And we passed a religious sign by the side of the road. And I told her, in my usual matter-of-fact sort of way. "Mom, I can't believe in god anymore." It was can't, not don't. And that's an important difference in my analytical mind.

She was used to my sudden outspoken observations. And there was a long pause as she deliberated the right response... "Why do you say that, son?" And I told her.

The concept may have been affected by the church members who treated my single mother of two who smoked and had left her husband-like dirt. My opinion may have been slanted by the way they talked ill of her in front of me and my brother, as if we couldn't understand their holier-than-thou slander because we were only children. It certainly didn't help my opinion of Christians in general, and as a whole, and they've never proved any better in the following thirty years. But mainly, it just didn't make sense. Not even to an eight year old. The hypocrisy and the stupidity were obvious. The contradictions seemed oh so clear to my steel trap mind. The faith, the spirituality, the yearning for a Father to guide me- it just rang hollow, even to a bastard like myself.

And I explained this all to my mother, who believed with all her heart and soul in Jesus and our lord and my only hope for salvation being in accepting HIM.

And she listened to what I had to say, and she rolled it around it in her head, and she said the only thing she could say- because I got my love of truth from her- even if the truths we came around to understanding were two different things=

"I hate to hear you say that son and I hope you change your mind. But-I respect your opinion and I won't make you go to church if that is the way you feel."

She looked hard at me, with those deepest of eyes, and I remember that smile that was sad and at the same time proud.

And my faith is in myself, because she gave me that gift, with her respect and her acceptance of what I had to say. She never doubted my ability to think for myself. She guided, but she never pushed.

I've studied religion with a fervor bordering on obsession since then, but I've never found a reason to have faith for it any more than I did as an eight year old.

I have wanted to prove myself wrong at times, because my respect for my mother's opinion was as such. But, the gods have never moved me with the spirit, as they say.

But whatever faith I possess, I consider a gift from her- for not doubting in me.

Closure

2011-02-26T08:21:00.000-08:00

Closure ? I dont know - we are so different but I do remember how much I loved her

A woman who I was very much in love with long ago- one of my very first relationships- asked me to meet her and some of her friends for drinks.

Her. My ex fiancee. The Evil one.

I had not seen her in over 13 years. It had ended very very badly. We had talked previously... and "buried the hatchet". But I guess she felt the need to see me, for whatever reason, and likewise, I thought of not going, but found I couldnt avoid it. I didn't know what to expect, but I should have. In the end, it wasn't just wanting to see her- it was a palpable need.

It was cathartic for both of us, no telling if moreso for me or for her. It was still strained and her bitterness boiled to the surface more than once- but I didn't reciprocate or retaliate.

She hasnt changed a bit-still a rich, racist republican and very proud of all three of those descriptions. She's still uber-materialistic with a tendency to brag of the countries she's visited and the trinkets and treasures she possesses. She's charismatic, leads every conversation. She's engaging and has a magnetice wit and personality. She made sure I knew she still smoked pot and she's still richer than me, (with a ta-da flourish,even,ha!) She's a tad overweight still, so her worshipping at the altar of the dallas debutante set has its limits when it comes to that. She still has that infectious smile and those dimples that I so loved to kiss. No, she hasn't changed at all and I am scarcely the same person she knew back then.

Talking with her, I remembered and FELT so purely how and why I loved her and also how and why I hated her too. I held both these emotions in my hands as I looked at her- and it was so easy- to just let that hate blow away. Even through some of her more barbed comments, I couldnt take my eyes off her and couldnt respond in kind, the way I usually would. I got more peace from this short night 's conversation than even I could have ever expected or imagined. I dont know what she took away from it all, and I doubt I will ever see her again.

So, closure? Yes.
It may not be happily ever after, but it was a better ending for this story.

(for Angela)

Office Politics

2011-01-20T05:56:00.001-08:00

I like my job. I love my job duties. I hate working with these office barracuda bitches. But, as far as effort versus compensation- it's a perfect fit for me and my mindset right now. Could I go further? Sure, if I applied some office politickin' of my own. But I truly don't care for that. More responsibility equals greater pay but also incurs much more time and stress that would bleed over into my personal life.

I have achieved a high level of focus on my family right now- and its taken a good while to get where I am at - on the family front. Some people may not consider that a goal or even something to work towards- but to me, its my true occupation, even if the pay and the hours suck! lol. I work a lot of overtime, and I am driven to succeed and work at a high level (higher than my co-workers, most assuredly). But I don't feel the desire to put in that extra 10% over the 110% I already put in at work. And I sure don't feel the need to compete with the supervisors and the coordinators and the people over me.

That's a self-imposed level of stress I don't need. But i sure wish that those people who do desire that greater level of self-importance and "success" in their chosen occupation would rain less shit upon me in their own miniscule gamemanship to get up that corporate ladder- or even just hang on to the rung they are at.

I just don't give a shit about the daily game of who has usurped whose authority. This job, it pays the bills. Its not who I am, it's not what I am. It's not even really a part of who/what I am. It is a meaningless endeavor to line the pockets of someone else. I am a cog. I dont desire to be a pulley. Its just not that important to me in the grander scheme of things. I am a worker bee. I'm goood with that. To all the Queens of the hive- Let us work in peace once in a while. We don't subscribe to your theory of how the world works- so please, stop selling us that line of shit that is supposed to motivate US in your goal of domination. But I know they can't help themselves. And that's all part of it too.

Buzz. Buzz. back to work.

Dating and" too much sex in a relationship"

2011-01-17T07:08:00.000-08:00

Dating again... Got an ultimatum today from a woman I'm casually dating about sex and it made me think-

Point to Ponder for the women out there- If you are worried that the relationship may be TOO sexual: There are far worse things, if you really like the guy.

1- Lead him, but you dont have to LEASH him. Don't talk nonstop about sex if you are wanting to slow down the sexual side of things. We dont run hot and cold, like women do. We respond in kind. So, simmer down a bit. Don't expect the man to plan out elaborate plans for things to do- this is ingrained in us as a courting matter. Take the initiative and plan out things to do that you know we like and that you like too- Make our dates about that- not just us coming over three times a week to watch movies, because we both know where thats headed.

2- Withhold Sex suddenly, out of the blue- at your own risk. We like you. We also like having sex with you. It's part of the deal. We won't get tired of having sex with you (if the sex is good). But EVERY man will get tired of NOT Having sex with you, especially if we sense that it is a form of relationship blackmail. Then you put the focus back on sex by default because we are frustrated.
And - if you DONT enjoy having sex with us, then something is wrong, and this relationship may be doomed, anyway. Enjoy the pleasures that sex gives us both- enjoy the intimacy and explore the things you like-= LEAD us, and we will follow, if we are into you.

3- Remember, if the relationship is new- give it time- have patience to get us used to you, and to the point where we dont want to do without you. If you are that much into us, let it develop. Get to know us, and let us know the REAL you. And go from there.

Wave on wave

2011-01-06T04:24:00.000-08:00

It's strange, but I am so happy this morning, I actually want to cry- in joy. There's just a flood of emotion welling up in me.

It's soooo odd for me to be like this.

Lead by Example

2010-12-14T08:32:00.000-08:00

Leading by example is not only the best way to live, it is the ONLY way to live.

Our lives are full of those who do things by half measures. Go above and beyond- if for nothing else just so no one can ever consider you as one who fell behind. Pride may be a sin, but then, I've always been a sinner...

I have no illusions. I hope that the ones I love (and you know who you are) learn from my victories. But I hope to hell they learn more from my mistakes. I can only try and learn from them too and try not to compromise too much.

I have always thought I knew everything, but the older I get, the more I know I never realized. Lead when you can, as much as you can- when you KNOW you are doing the right things. You will do the wrong things plenty of times, but it's not a mystery when you do what you know you are supposed to do...

Work Battle Poetry

2010-12-10T05:24:00.000-08:00

And lo, fields of invoice lay before us, fresh and ready to be bloodied
Our resolve firm, our backs straight, we waded into the fray
Never dismay'd, tho as we battled our souls were tested and our hearts muddied
We kicked it up another notch with our batlle cry- "Bitch, its Friday!"

Two faces, One shit eatin grin...

2010-11-30T19:41:00.000-08:00

Contradictions, Always contradictions... I am most proud of two things: that I always rebelled, to the jagged cliff of self destruction- but never bent, never conformed to the desires of others= And, that I have become the most responsible father (albeit in my own special form) that I have ever known.

I am the sanest AND the craziest person I know. It just depends on who you run into that day- Me and my kids, or me and my demons.And you know what- Its this whole duality that I love the most about my life.

I know how far I can go, each and every day. And I know how far I do go, each day, to be who I absolutely have to be to take care of my kids the way they deserve- in spite of all the shit that their mother has laid at their feet.

It would be easy to half-ass it, to do less because, honestly, I wouldn't have to do much, to be ahead of her as best parent. But I don't have to JUST beat her. I have to beat my Dad, my Dads- the abusive adoptive Dad, the abandoning birth father, and even my self-pitying step dad, whom I love, but who is wallowing in his own pain to the detriment of his own children's lives.

I have to be better than them all. Better than my brothers, better than my friends. Better than the fathers of the kids at school.

Then- and only then, can I indulge my own whims.

Then I can eke out a little living for myself- I can wallow in my own self-pity a bit, or I can embrace my anger and explode gloriously, or I can lose myself in the arms of a woman or maybe two.

I have to find myself to allow myself to get lost in myself.

And as much as I'd like= NO, I'd LOVE to lose myself Forever, I have to bring myself back to consciousness and conscientiousness and shake off the self-induced stupor. I slap myself awake and shapeshift back into Dad, that boring, quiet workaholic and i get up and do it all over again.

And honestly, I don't like one me over the other. One is just soooo much easier. But, he's just not that nice of a guy. I can respect both of them, though.

And when I can't any longer, I guess this game will be over.

For the scapegoats

2010-11-27T06:52:00.000-08:00

When asked for a blessing on the way to his execution:

Morant: "No thank you, I'm a pagan."

Chaplain: "And you?"

Peter: "What's a pagan?"

Morant: "Er, it's somebody who doesn't believe there is a divine being dispensing justice to mankind."

Peter,to Chaplain: "I'm a pagan too..."

Morant: "There is an epitath, I'd like, Matthew 10:36"

...

"And a man's foes shall be that of his own household."

Opening Eyes

2010-11-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

She makes me Want to see things the way I never have been able to...

The glory of losing your love

2010-11-17T18:58:00.001-08:00

The greatest lie implied in the phrase "I love you" is the promise that Love is always eternal. It is, in fact, not. I have loved many times in my life. Many women have been in love with me. Do they love me now, or I- them?

Maybe on some basic level, deep inside me, the memory of that love. But not like we were in that moment. The intensity of that love has faded. Does this demean those loves as somehow less, or not "real" love? Not in my experience. Love almost killed me three times. In the moment, each time it was more important than anything else, even my life. I loved with all my heart - so deeply that I am even afraid of feeling that much love again.

To expect every love you feel, no matter how deeply, to last forever is the grandest of self deceits.

Enjoy your loves while they last. Nurture them and believe in them and they will grow. But don't cast aside love that is freely given to you simply because you suspect that it may not be perfect. Don't walk away from love because you can see that it won't last forever.

One of these days you may find yourself alone and without love at all- and you will wish you had embraced a few more brief moments of love, however imperfect. You will wish you would have let yourself be loved without reservations just to have those moments in time.

Did my loves last forever? No. Does my love, remembered, live on in my heart? Definitely. Would my live have been better without these fleeting loves?

No. A thousand times No. It would be like a life without dreams. My life would be shallow indeed without the glory and the memory of those lost loves.

Kirk 11/17/2010

Conversations: Falling out of the clouds

2010-11-15T21:24:00.000-08:00

Kirk:
i made "My legal advice to you is : Don't have no mo children" my fb post of the day lol

Her:
hahaha

Kirk:
... I know it isnt meant to be, nothing ever is, it seems.... but i'd drop everything and do it- I'd open myself up and lose myself in it- for as long as i could...
- just saying.... life is but a dream and I'll take the clouds thank you..

Her:
2 Many Hoes
thats my response

Kirk:
lol send me the lyrics to that Kanye song we were listening to ...
everyone needs a few extra admirers. It does wonders for our self esteem, you know

Her:
want me to e-mail it?
the lyrics
Kirk:
yes please

And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up wit’ my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast for the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
She find pictures in my email
I sent this bitch a picture of my dick
I don’t know what it is with females
But I’m not too good at that shit
See, I could have me a good girl
And still be addicted to them hoodrats
And I just blame everything on you
At least you know that’s what I’m good at
And I always find
Yeah, I always find
Yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up wit’ my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Never thought it would get crazy
Just run away
Baby, I got a plan
Run away as fast as you can
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Run away from me, baby
Never thought it would get crazy
Why can’t she just run away?
Baby, I got a plan
Run away as fast as you can

Never was much of a romantic
I could never take the intimacy
And I know it did damage
‘Cause the look in your eyes is killin’ me
I’m guessin’ you’re at an advantage
‘Cause you could blame me for everything
And I don’t know how I’ma manage
If one day you just up and leave
And I always find
Yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up with my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

Kirk:
and how is my outlook for seeing our horoscopes today?
i wonder on the "on" days if there is some kind of planetary attraction affecting us...

Her:
probably... here's mine:
"You feel totally detached from an emotional situation. Displays of anger or sorrow usually affect you this way."

Kirk:
what was mine

Her:
yours...
is interesting
"Your emotional energy runs high today, as long as you feed it with interesting experiences and interactions. If not, you could be feeling restless. Routine tasks will not satisfy you now. You might also find yourself attempting to attach meaning to what you do or to your life today, as a higher purpose is something you're seeking now. Overall, you're in a friendly, curious mood."

Kirk:
w o w

Her:
Then it says - Its a good day for romantic and creative matters

Kirk:
hammer, meet nailhead
that is just crazy, spooky - exactly how i feel today - every bit of it...

Her:
i know
It says that the moon is in my sign today - whatever that means - it is an Aquarius moon... ? i dont understand all of this stuff, but i think i'm going to try to - so far its been pretttty accurate

Kirk:
aight, so i'm talkative and wistful and in the clouds, so i may continue being all sigh-y

Her:
thats fine by me

Kirk:
hmmm well... the boy wishes he could be everything the girl wanted and that she could be everything he wanted. But he knows that fairy tale stuff and she knows it too... But in the clouds everything is perfect and bright and smells nice and there are no worries
in the clouds, you can fall anyway you want, but never down

Her:
thats where i need to be

Kirk:
its where all the cool people hang out
i guess
i get so intoxicated from those little moments
thats how i KNOW
what lurks in my heart, thats how i know its TRUTH
but i dont know how to deal with it or accept it or even how to hold it.
If I pull it too close, i'm afraid it will burn me
but when i hold it at arm's length, i can't have those perfect kisses
and i so want them

Her:
we should probably try to figure this out someday...
if it doesnt kill us first

Kirk:
can we share a room in hell?
that might be too much for you, even in hell... lol
oblivion is always what i desired, but it really would be hell to no longer know the temptation of her touches and to feel the burn of her gaze on me

Her:
haha, yes, im thinkin it would be too much for me

Kirk:
our common problem is that we dont want too much of any one person

Her:
you're right

Kirk:
but is it that we want More than one person can give, or that we just cant stand the thought of just one person alone for the rest of our lives?

Her:
i know for me...i know that im way too demanding - nothing is ever good enough for me and im never satisfied because of it
i know that for sure - i know thats my problem

Kirk:
thats mine as well
i make things hard, on purpose
i want you because i know you'd never truly want me forever
and that makes it easier
does that make any kind of sense at all ?
i realize that that is sad and twisted and a mockery of what i DO feel deep inside
i dont trust you, because i dont trust myself
and so I trust absolutely nothing except impermanence

Her:
that makes perfect sense

Kirk:
it is completely disheartening to me because I know its just because deep down I am scared of the rejection that i feel is inevitable
but, theres a wall in between that love anyway
so, as always i get ahead of myself anyway
and project ultimate desires on a situation where there is little risk of having to worry about real commitment or real rejection

Her:
this...is complicated isnt it?

Kirk:
people like me and you can't have anything simple
simple = ignorant, in our convoluted, tortured, pain-scarred minds

Her:
ughhhh my mind is so clouded
i guess it just shuts down
i cant function, i cant think of what to say...its like i just...freeze

Kirk:
Well according to your horoscope, you are at the opposite end of the spectrum from me today...
sucks... wish we could have same horoscope today

Her:
some things just weren't meant to be

Kirk:
aaaaagh
thats me, falling out of the clouds
picks self up, dusts clothes off... Looks up at you, sitting on a dark cloud above, waving down mischieviously and says : "I wish you wouldn't do that"

Her:
i hate this

Kirk:
its kind of fun for me, in an oddly masochistic way
think about it- you are paying me back for my many sins against womankind
and i'm like a half-boyscout, half-devil...chasing the Angel who won't stop flying in circles

Her:
im not sure about that, but someone needs to...
its not very fun for me - of course i guess thats just me being the 'eternal pessimist' that i am

Kirk:
surely there are moments when the day is made brighter by my affection.. god i hope there are... thats a dismal thought - that you just tolerate me for the simple attention i give

Her:
well..
you do make me smile
but only sometimes

Kirk:
well i guess i have to smile about the thought of when i make you smile... you know me, the eternal optimist

Her:
of course

Fallen far enough

2010-11-09T05:47:00.000-08:00

Days without Love are like days without life. But I persevere- knowing that days like this make me cherish the days when I do have love so much more. Not enough to want to keep it, I suppose (in a moment of honest reflection). But still..

Lauren always says I am a cold, cold bastard. And I am, on the inside. On the outside, I love so much, it takes up all my time. I have to be hard- I am not letting my guard down anymore. Love has almost killed me three times. And Life is all I have,now. So, I guess Love isnt THAT important, ??? Hell if I know. I have my love for my kids. At at this point, that's gonna have to be enough. Cause another broken heart would kill me.

So I will love, because thats my nature. I will love you- and you - and maybe you too. But I ain't going to FALL in love. Because I've fallen as far as I can.

Time Capsule... First date in forever

2010-11-07T12:11:00.000-08:00

My first night out in, forever, and my blind date is drunk and passed out by 8:30. It was fun while it lasted, I suppose. Late afternoon lunch- Steaks at Texas Roadhouse- Then whiskey,coke,and conversation at Chip's sports bar. We then headed over to Scott and Tonya's house for a bbq. She was drinking 100 proof Southern comfort straight.

I guess I should be glad she's not one of those wild whiskey drinking women who can put the whole bottle away, lol.

Well, got her home and into her bed- and then I stayed up drinking, playing on facebook and listening to music. Addicted to some poprock tune by 30 seconds to Mars "From yesterday"

and its 2:15 on a crisp beautiful Sunday and I am glad I am alive, for once. I love my life today in fact. I feel like its charmed somehow. I am the master of my own destiny and sometimes i feel like most people are not and for that, I am grateful- to myself.

Thanks for having the balls to do it your own way.

I stopped in at Star comics, picked up a few simple items. Stopped and got a big ass Peace tea, a 12 pack of Bud light, and some Klemke's beef Jerky. 2 more hours of freedom before Amy and Rain return.

Gonna get off this damn computer now and breathe.

Fading Present, Vivid past

2010-10-26T12:10:00.001-07:00

My head is crammed full of memories, some from many years ago. But they seem more lucid than even yesterday. Everything feels more faded in the present as days go by and the past becomes the only vivid thing I feel.

Hotel California

2010-10-20T20:51:00.001-07:00

This is for Amy, who is learning to play this on guitar-

Duty to Conscience

2010-09-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

There is always a duty to conscience.
(Which, (wink) in my case may not include morality).

Conscience is our waking earthly soul.
I've been accused of forgiving too freely.
I've been accused of not forgiving enough.
I've been accused of being too hard.
I've been accused of not being hard enough.

In the end, I forgive all others' transgressions against me- as I forgive myself for all my own transgressions to those around me.

Or, at least, I try. As Sir Thomas More strove not to condemn any man for their own conscience, so I do too. I try to let go of such selfish judgements and only hold to judging myself. What I will not allow is the muddying of my own conscience's waters. I must hold to my dearest inner convictions and act accordingly.

If I forgive Andrea - it is because of Amy and Rain.
If I forgive Lauren- it is because of Tristan.
Being estranged from my sons, it is a lot harder to forgive Trish. I am working on it. I only hope that she cannot poison their consciences as she has everything else.

But then, whatever their consciences become, I cannot worry overmuch. They are theirs, for only their own condemnations. It takes all my willpower and strength to hold to my own and reconcile my own sins.

Holding down the flames

2010-09-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

Self Control is ALL that I have. Every day its a complete all-consuming struggle to quell my passions and calm my tortured soul.

I am winning. But sometimes I really, really, want to lose...

Picking Your Truth

2010-08-05T05:21:00.001-07:00

Her evil grace:
I am feeling extremely 'needy' today

His Lordship:
Hmmmmm devil horns smiley
i live for these days you know

Her evil grace:
thank god

His Lordship:
your wish is my command

Her evil grace:
they told me when i woke up
"the truth will set you free"
have any idea what they meant? i am blinded, im sure

His Lordship:
Realizing the reality of what does matter will tear you away from the many prisons of focusing your energy on that which does NOT matter
Truth=Relevance
Falsehooods=Useless garbage that clouds a person's mind

But knowing truth can be a tricky thing
sometimes living with the truth can be more work than living a lie

Someone may embrace the "Truth" of giving themselves to their god and focusing only on that.
And that may make their minds less cluttered, give them focus, and take away all those decisions which dont factor in to the chosen "Truth"
And this may make their lives far easier.

Being a Slave to an ideal takes away all the complex choices.
Being a sheep saves you from truly independent thought

Living your life is a selective process in which YOU choose which ideals you enslave yourself to.

Truth is ALWAYS far more chaotic than Fake, than lies, than self-deception.

You decide which "truth" is YOUR truth. If you can't, then you are enslaved to your inability to pick a path.

So, pretty much, you're fooked.
either way

Conversations: Love in your head

2010-08-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

Her:
i'm getting too carried away
i over analyze way too much
not that its a bad thing, at times, its not

Him:
i think that its a good thing 90% of the time
for anyone, not just you

Her:
for me, it brings doubt
doubt builds walls

Him:
Sometimes Doubt is the best thing you can have

Her:
it does make for a lonely world though

Him:
well doubt, not complete negativity.
trust is a concept most easily held by those who have never been hurt

Her:
oh for sure

Him:
Doubt is a lesson learned

Her:
but getting past doubt...

Him:
can be a hard thing...

Her:
definitely
brick wall

Him:
i throw up my brick walls and tear them down just as quickly, then before i know they are back again. My inner mind looks like a bombed out city

Her:
pure chaos

Him:
rooted in ever-rolling lava

Her:
my brick wall is a dead end - dead
i am unfamiliar with looking past things

Him:
i dont try to look to far ahead
i pretend that I will surely die before the future ever arrives
so i do the wrong things over and over again, because they feel so right in the moment

Her:
story of my life

Him:
some would ask- what is more important 1 lasting love or 100 fleeting ones...
and since deep inside i doubt the existence of a love that lasts, I absorb every bit of passion, joy and life from the ones i know that are doomed from the start...
but that simplifies it. Because I never know they are doomed. My Doubt tells me they are
but that one spark of hope that lights up my heart tells me this love IS Real. And this could be that "one magical forever" that all women tell me exists. Oddly enough no men talk of this.

Her:
Imagine that

Him:
I believe in Fantasies, that I do. Most men dont
Most women do.
Men in most cases need a woman to inspire them to a greater sense of love
they need someone to make them Believe- where a woman wants a man she can believe IN.
Thats my take on it. The right moment, the right touch, the right words, the right look - all of these can make me BELIEVE> and when i believe, damn, but i'm a believer.
The more you believe, though, the harder the crash
the further the fall
and I never learn, because when I lose myself in that belief, that is the ONLY time I am alive.

Her:
i hope you're saving this...?

Him:
um,.. (embarrassed)
i was just opening my blog...

Flinging myself

2010-07-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

Her:
i could never handle you

Him:
not many can..
i am rare too, thank the gods

Her:
you are rare, rare....like toy dragons

Him:
what is that movie- with Keanu Reeves and the pretty blond girl
duh i know thats not much of a description
but she finds these sad men, or men who need her- and she beccomes their everything for a little while, then she guides them back into self-confidence and happiness and lets them go again

and then she finds someone new, to give love to

i want to be her

Her:
does she die in the end?

Him:
i think so, her reasoning was that she had terminal cancer

Her:
yes

Him:
my reasoning is just that I know that after my relationship expiration date i become the terminal cancer

Conversations II : Leading a man to water

2010-07-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

Babochka:
make it

El Capullo:
...happen?
...go away?
...wet?
...all better?

go faster....

i assume that last one is the right one

Babochka:
eating breakfast....hold on
lol
not better yet
he did thank me for the great weekend.
ok....so am i crazy?
are you glad you don't love me

El Capullo:
for not being happy?

Babochka:
I'm just not happy....right now.

El Capullo:
i'm glad no one loves me
too much work

Babochka:
lol
i was happy on Thursday

El Capullo:
you are just disappointed

Babochka:
i guess

El Capullo:
you are a fiery personality- you give a LOT of yourself- and you demand as much in return

Babochka:
honestly...i wanted more touching me time and I didn't get it....and it makes me angry

El Capullo:
he's fricking old, girl...

Babochka:
we didn't have to be talking if you know what i mean
and close out

El Capullo:
one of gods little jokes
giving middle aged women the sex drive of twenty year old men
i guess theres some biological reason for that, but it just dont make sense to me... lol
don't get me wrong, I love it

Babochka:
lol
i don't love it so much
hold on.,....are you calling me middle aged?

El Capullo:
Well you know what to do to get immediate gratification
No, I would NEVER say that
people live to 100 now
so 50 is middle aged
you are post-adolescent
and going postal

Babochka:
thanks
it's all about that gratification
well, just for today...yesterday....and maybe tomorrow

El Capullo:
well, if it makes you feel just as angry at me- J was here five nights and we only did the deed 3 times all 3 times were very good, but there were two nights i just didnt have any desire to have sex with her

El Capullo:
now, that is probably a different matter tho, seeing as how i dont want her to get too attached, as well as the fact that I am not really sexually attracted to her
i was just lonely, and she is really really good to me.
i try to reciprocate in what she wants, but I have made it clear that we have no future relationship wise
i guess i am making myself seem like an ass here, but I am honest about everything

Babochka:
your not an ass

El Capullo:
with her especially.

Babochka:
although, I don't think i would have let her come out

El Capullo:
I know what she wants.

Babochka:
just gives false hope

El Capullo:
I know she thinks deep inside, that she will change me
all women think that stupid shit
it IS Stupid, too
no dancing around it.

Babochka:
exactly....i know you don't think you've given her anything to hope about but a girl can dream....and we do it big
no we don't

El Capullo:
well, most do=

Babochka:
i know i'll never change a person...i can only hope to open their mind but it is ONLY I that can change

El Capullo:
You cant change chemistry between people
and if someone really likes you- they really like you
period

Babochka:
i want someone to want me
i want those sweet nothings

El Capullo:
you cant change how you feel about someone on that level, no motter how much you think you want to
thats fine
i wish i could WANT something
i want that someone who does it all for me
turns me on, keeps me excited mentally, physically, and emotionally
but I realize i have to put forth effort to find that person, and right now, I have a full plate doing damage control on my last failed relationship

Babochka:
thank you for reminding me.......
he does all those things.....but he's not superman

El Capullo:
you have to let them fail every once in a while

Babochka:
one time i don't get it and i want a divorce.......dumb

Babochka:
i know it's the moon.

El Capullo:
its when he begins to fail you CONSISTENTLY that you have a problem
take a week to yourself, do something for yourself and yourself alone (if you can find the time and desire)
i know I need to take that advice

Babochka:
i think i willl
thank you for listening.....

El Capullo:
i am going to go visit my best f riend this weekend in Amarillo
i think

Babochka:
i needed you this morning

El Capullo:
well, i am glad i was there for you today
sorry i wasnt the other day

Babochka:
when?

Berryhill, Christopher K:
you tried to call me friday

Babochka:
i did
i forgot......
you fail me too

El Capullo:
i will fail you at least most of the time, in your expectations
but i will never fail you in the things i say i will do for you
if that makes any sense
i will be your friend
i will respect you, and tell you the truth

Babochka:
do you think i really am too hard to please

El Capullo:
i think we are a LOT alike
and I weigh all things, subconsciously
and I know I give EVERYTHING sometimes, so I expect a lot in return . I am so easy to please in the short term, but impossible to please in the long run
i dont think you are as hopeless a case as me
you just know what you want, and it frustrates you that HE doesnt pick up on these things automatically.
you know how men supposedly dont like maps?
We secretly love them, but we dont want you to know that we need them
Give him help- you dont have to spell it out, and dont have to bitch so much about it unless it becomes a bad habit on his part
but sometimes a woman's hints aren't very helpful
just remember men are stupid and need that extra nudge in the right direction

Babochka:
ok

El Capullo:
sometimes a man knows what you want, but still needs a little extra encouragement
You are a very strong woman
Some men cannot handle that
i love it
because sometimes I not only NEED that extra kick in the ass, I WANT it
not bitching but really to be LED

Babochka:
I guess there are somethings that you don't know that I can say.....I understand why he did that....because of things I've said

El Capullo:
this is probably the best advice i have ever given a woman

Babochka:
lol

El Capullo:
i'm serious
i should write this shit down

Babochka:
i know you are....that's why it's funny
blog it
again.....thank you

El Capullo:
naaah. you get the privilege of this secret
i dont want EVERYBODY knowing men's secrets and being happy
i bank on unfulfilled women, you realize
if all yall were happy, I'd be lonely again
thank YOU

Babochka:
you know all this is your fault because you said i was too happy
well there you go......you ruined my life!

,,,before the fall

2010-07-26T06:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes Pride is only thing that keeps me on my feet, day after day. It's a shame that this same pride causes me so much trouble with my friends and family.

I am afraid if I let the pride go, I'll fall apart.

Conversations about Death and afterlife

2010-07-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

(a short conversation with R, after listening to some Amitabha Buddhist philosophy)

K:
Let my new spirit of patience and peacefulness extend to you in this, your time of need

R:
thank you....

K:
anyway- that Buddhism stuff is pretty enlightening. I could do without all the reincarnation and heaven-realms vs. hell-realms. i dont think there SHOULD be a reward in an afterlife.

R:
wonder what the afterlife will be like

are we old

K:
I believe that the truly enlightened thought should be that the reward for good karma is that life in the NOW is improved by the philosophy.

R:
young

do we start all over again

do we know who we knew here

K:
back to the dirt.

And another life replaces yours.

and your actions in life have either helped the world become a better place or a worse one. and the small piece of your evolutionary immortality is then complete.

or, passed on through all those subtle ways in which you have touched others who survive

so that they may in turn pass on those things to others

true humanitarian evolution

by centimeters, not miles

thats my theory, anyhow

Revolving doors

2010-07-09T07:33:00.001-07:00

Her:
actually...
i do know what i want and wouldn't you know, its something i can never have

Him:
ah, pray tell! Let me know what this elusive thing is- so that I may know your heart's desire once and for all - and weep with you at its unobtainable misery!

Her:
i will never tell a soul

Him:
ah, so the circle closes, and it is my turn to stand outside Your door- and quietly whisper "let me in"
but you cannot hear my whisper
and the world around us both dies a little
...curtain falls

Her:
leave me out

Him:
beautiful
its a story. happening a million times every day. A never ending dance. A game that never has a final turn.

The biggest liar

2010-07-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

“If I lie to you, will you love me again?”

and what is that from?
... just a line from a song i wrote..
i believe you
sometimes i feel so crazy
i scare myself because I AM so willing to throw it all away, for Her.
and it freaks me out and I tell myself that my heart is the biggest fkn liar of them all
she's no good when she's sober
and he's no good when he's drunk
quite a pair
it hurts so good
and its so bad
Two lovers, Two liars
the only thing that was real was the passion.
Sometimes for each other, but mostly for the ideal of it all.

And for the moment.
Always for the moment itself.

The heart was the biggest liar of them all.

Work sucks, I know

2010-06-23T04:55:00.000-07:00

It's so frustrating working with intellectual inferiors, day in and day out, and catching shit for being arrogant simply because I pay attention and know the answers and these fucking women are so self absorbed that they can't be bothered to do their own fucking jobs and I know this is a big-ass runon sentence but I just dont give a fuck because i'm on a rant and these people irritate me to the point of violence.

I wish i could just tell them, ten times a day. I=CAN'T=HELP=IT=THAT=YOU=ARE=STUPID.

that is all.

The Blessings of the Damned

2010-06-10T05:21:00.001-07:00

Wanted
Needed
Hated
Feared
Loved ?

Emotion is such a rare commodity to my heart that it floods me with Doubt. I hate myself because you make me feel like I am not good enough to be. And I fear you for making me feel like this.

And I fear myself if you ever give in completely.

Blessed
Damned
Desired
Fated ?

2010-02-24T21:35:00.000-08:00

i don't want to hurt her any more than I have to.

why doesn't she believe me when I tell her we're through?

I just want to be free. She says she won't sign the divorce papers...

why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't love them?

The longer she holds on, the longer she hurts herself.

I'm just being honest. I'm done.

Turn me loose. Me not coming back to you will probably be the best gift I can give you, Lauren.

Rain the wild child

2010-02-15T18:43:00.000-08:00

Magick

2010-01-31T18:56:00.000-08:00

From The Religion by Willocks:

She said, "Do you believe in magic?"

He took no offense at her shunning his tribute and replaced the viol on its stand. He did so with the precision of a man whose intimacy with the physical was natural and deep.

"I have no truck with incantations, sorcery, and the like, if that's your meaning," he said. "Such false arts stand on fancy and superstition- and as Plato said to Dionysus, 'Philosophy should never be prostitute to profane and illiterate men.' No. Magick takes her name from Ancient Persia, where a 'magician' was a wise man who expounded on the divine mechanics inherent in Nature. Men such as Zarathustra- or Hermes Trismegistus. The Egyptians considered Nature herself a magician. In that sense- there's nothing I believe in more heartily."

Of Secrets that never are told

2010-01-18T22:28:00.000-08:00

When we Two parted - Byron

WHEN we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow—
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me—
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met—
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

Walled in, walled out

2010-01-13T21:28:00.000-08:00

I am so used to trying to be strong- that I cannot even allow myself a moment of weakness. I talked to my cousin Clark, today, hours before his father passed away. He explained that he couldnt feel. I knew exactly how that "felt". Our mothers died last year- two months apart. And now his dad was dying and he was feeling exactly like I am - Wishing he could feel something - other- than this need to stay resolute, this absolute necessity to stay strong in the face of adversity.

One tear is all I could muster today. I want to break down, I need some release. But my self-defense just won't let it happen.

My wife says I am cold.

She don't even know the half of it. I am dead inside, except for those moments that my kids remind me that I am alive.

I despise weakness. I despise losing. But I know I am lost forever if I can't find the strength to cry.

Goodbyes

2010-01-13T21:06:00.000-08:00

Rest in Peace, Travis and Jim.
...

and life, such as it is... goes on.

...

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

Doh! Secrets

2009-12-25T01:56:00.000-08:00

For every loud, overt action I pull that draws everyone's eyes-

there are three subtle undercurrents laid that you didn't catch.

You didn't notice. You didn't care. You didn't even know why I brought it up at the time.

But, there are reasons behind the rhymes.

That is all.

Back to our regulary scheduled program...

A God without a church

2009-12-25T00:55:00.001-08:00

They offered Him no sacrifices, they built Him no temples; they were content to offer Him their hearts which were full of awe, in His own temple which was full of grandeur. And it is said that there are yet some barbarous islands where men have no churches nor ceremonies, and where they worship God, reflected in the work of His thousand hands.

...

The simplicity of men, and the cunning of their priests has destroyed or corrupted all the religions of the world.

Exile in Nietzsche

2009-12-24T02:35:00.000-08:00

"One generally mistakes me: I confess it; also I should be done a great service if someone else were to defend and define me against these mistakes."

Fade translation: I have not the time to waste on YOUR misconceptions. But to those who will set the fools straight, you have my undying gratitude.

Double alternate Drunken Fade translation (added later, when realllly drunk for clarity): I am such a fucking badass, I don't have to explain myself. Hey- can one of my groupies do that?

"Here the ways of men part: if you wish to strive for peace of soul and pleasure, then believe; if you wish to be a devotee of truth, then inquire."

Fade translation: Sheep, Shephard, Wolf or Outcast. The part YOU pick defines you.

"Do we after all seek rest, peace, and pleasure in our inquiries? No, only truth-even if it be most abhorrent and ugly."

FT: Must I explain that?

"Every true faith is infallible inasmuch as it accomplishes what the person who has the faith hopes to find in it; but faith does not offer the least support for a proof of objective truth."

FT: Truth transcends all faith. Faith is the willful rebuttal of truth for no other sake, but to reject reality in the service of an abstinence of thought.

"The world is poor for anyone who has never been sick enough for this "voluptuousness of hell"; it is permitted, it is almost imperative, to employ a formula of the mystics at this point."

FT: ... i canna put it better than that, now can I?

Til I die

2009-12-23T16:49:00.000-08:00

"All bonds chafe, that is their nature. But nothing chafes so infuriatingly than the bonds of matrimony. Because, you know, at the end of the day, your prison is your own not-so clever creation."
Lord F.Tong de Silva, Late 12th century

"Marukka den es mort" I whispered, breathlessly, into her eyelid, as she lay beneath me. Her eyes popped open, wider than, perhaps they should be... "What?.. What did you say?"

"Nothing." Our eyes drank each other into our hearts again, for a long moment. And our lips met again, eyes open, not wanting to miss anything from each other- whether it be a moment of enhanced passion or a hint of betrayal ready to be exposed by the wrong glance...

"What- Did You Say?" she asked, insistently and a little breathlessly, herself. I paused, the words had escaped me, unexpectedly. The moment had been too much, almost. I was weak in her arms. Too weak. But this was a weakness I was savoring. I pushed away the pain that was sure to come, later.

"It means 'Til we die'," I lied.

Her eyes closed in almost fairy tale passion. And I felt a moment of regret. Another second stretched out into infinity.

"No, it doesn't meant that, exactly." I stroked her face and absorbed everything I could of this second. It was so real that it became surreal. It was more than life should be, could be, is supposed to be... I never wanted it to end. I Never want it to end.

"It really means ... "Til I die". I bore in close to her neck, burying myself into her skin. And then my eyes closed, afraid to see any more.

Marukka den es mort. My passion, my altar- that I sacrifice myself onto, over and over.

He talks to Angels. And Demons. And in the end, aren't they always the same?

Lives in perspectives

2009-12-08T21:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I look at back at my life, and it seems so monumental. Other times I stare hard at everything I've been and it seems so sad. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose. I tell myself I should look at it from this one direction, and it will all make sense.

But in the end, I am very glad that I am one of the few who is able to look at it all from every angle. Even the angles that don't show my best side....

Fuck, and here I go again. Going to throw it all into chaos once more. The simple life just don't suit me. It's not really that I want more. I never have been the greedy type. I just know that this - this life, this incarnation of this life- is less than I can live with. I know, I say its all for my kids, I martyr myself on my single parenthood past and pretend that its all for them. But sometimes you just gotta do for yourself. This incarnation- this life today that I lead IS for my kids. It's 100 percent for them. And, even I can't believe I am saying this- admitting it after giving myself for so long- I feel like I cant do it anymore.

All my life, I have done pretty much what I wanted. And I pursued the angles that led me where I wanted to go. I fixed the dice, as it were. I never went blindly into ANYTHING, no matter how happenstance it all may have seemed. I screwed up, sure. But I always made every screwup turn up right, one way or the other. Some times it was hard work, sometimes it was just realizing where I was, what I was doing, and the quickest way to get where I wanted to be.

I wasn't always tough. I wasn't always lucky. I wasn't always smart about how I did things. But somehow, I was smart enough to never fuck up TOO badly. And I was smart enough to know that when I gambled or overplayed my hand, that I had a fallback.

And now, I'm here. I outsmarted myself into being what I have always despised in life: The type of person that marries for all the wrong reasons. Well, not all the wrong reasons. I thought I could love her. I thought that good intentions couild make this work.

I was wrong. I forced the issue on every level. And I bit the bullet and married her when I knew I wasnt in love. And she knew it too. And she even knew that she wasnt in love with me either.

She has her reasons. Some of them I don't even know,I'm sure. Mine were simple. I didnt want my new son to be a bastard. I wanted to have the stable 2 parent family. I thought I could spend the rest of my life with one woman.

Well, the truth is, I cant. I dont even believe in monogamy. Deep inside, I think its for losers. I see its pros, but the cons outweigh it so much, it seems ridiculous. I see it in those twilight days, when you probably just want someone to talk to and revel in not being alone. I see that. I do.

But Lauren isnt the one. Wisdom comes hard or not at all. If you are in it for the long haul, pick someone you CAN talk to. Someone you can respect for all your days.

Lauren has a lot going for her. But she and I are not soulmates. I do not respect her enough to be the one for her. This is NOT her failing. Its just one of those things.

She's been a better mom to my kids than their real mom, fucked up whore that Andrea is. Buts that not fair to Lauren. Lauren has BEEN the girls mom for the past four years. She's lived it and done it=because she wanted this relationship to work. And because she loves those girls.

They love her. And thats truly why I married her. And its screwed up, because I KNOW i will Never meet a woman who will be as good a mom to my daughters as Lauren is.

But it don't matter. Because I don't Love her. And I knew I didnt when we got married. And I did it anywway because I thought it was the "right" thing to do.

And here we are.

And I gotta unravel this mess, as best as I am able, with as little damage to her and the kids as I can. Because I've tried to tread water in this for as long as I can- and its not working. Its causing more hurt than its preventing.

So I look at my life, and as glorious as it has been on some levels, and as despicable as it has been on others- it continues. And I can pussy out and keep treading water or I can man up and deal as honestly as I can.

lets see.

2009-11-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

“Women have always been my weakness…
Lucky for me they have always also been … my strength…”

Prologue:

Once again, I return to this most lucid reverie…

Gather my wits (or whats left of them, at least)

I:

It’s August 3rd, Friday night ooops Scratch that, Saturday Morning.. 1:35 am. Andrew and Lauren are in the other room playing Magic. I bored of that hours ago… drinking, alone. Surfing fubar and the House of the rising sons blog, listening to music online …

Wild horses.. sing it, Mick, you motherfucker.

I guess it isn’t going to take wild horses, after all. Just one VERY determined woman. Moving out of the house next week… 10 years gone.

Blows my mind just to consider it all. Getting old. Friday night- and this house is empty.
Unreal…
Once upon a time, that wouldn’t have even been thought of…

Life changes.

“There goes my hero, watch him as he goes…”

I was my own hero,- for such a long time.

…

Now, not so much. All the pride, all the immediacy, all the anger, all the pain, all the fire…All the things I loved so much to hate, All the fight in my soul that made it worth it all-

Has burned out.

Not enough passion to light a fucking cigarette, it feels like, sometimes. But still, I carry on, carryin on. I don’t have so much of a death wish anymore. I don’t go crazy as much as I once did. I don’t know if I am getting old and wise, But I know I am growing old.

And resenting it. And yet, not knowing what I am still supposed to resent, after all these years. I rebelled all my life. And NOW, nothing left to rebel at. Sink into myself, I’d laugh at all my wild misconceptions and how wrong I was about how I’d turn out- but I find that its just not funny.

II.

South of Heaven’s eerie opening pours in, a flood of atmosphere, filling the empty crevices of my mind with doom and gloom and the purely righteous emotion of self-hate. And the only commandment of all reveals itself as: Thou Shalt Not Rise Above.

On earth, as it is in heaven, O’ Lord.

And all I can do upon the morning of this groundhog day revelation is exhale deeply and take another swig off this beer. Thank the lord for IT, if nothing else.

If it were not for something to numb the sense of futility, I could not stand this life for long.

“Separate the fact from fiction” … Well, hell, sounds easy, doesn’t it?
The trouble is, that the fiction tempts as much as the fact doesn’t.

“I wish I would’ve met you,
But now it’s a little late..

They think that your ending was all wrong…”

The ending is right. It’s the beginning that fucks me up.

III.

And a brief moment of silence, and Dylan enters from an empty hall.. “Here comes the story of the hurricane..”

And then the story takes me away, the music peels me off the floor and lifts me up, and I DO rise above, if only for a few minutes. Bless ya, Bob.

The music intoxicates as it fabricates- another existence, another level, another life, another world- and more importantly- Another ME.

And nothing is more fantastic than just escaping the chains of this meager existence…

Step out the front door like a ghost into a fog where no one notices the contrast of white on whitehouse

In between the moon and you-

Angels get a better view

Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right

I walk in the air, between the rain, through myself, back again…

I don’t know

My heart says I’m dying
through the door I hear her crying
Why? I dont know…

Round here I always stand up straight
Round here something mindlessly debates

Kirk came from nowhere with a suitcase in his hand
he said he’d like to meet a guy who looks like he’s supposed to..
he walks along the edge of where the desert meets the sand
Just like hes walking on a wire in the circus

he parks his car outside his house
Takes his masks off
Says hes close to understanding himself
he knows he’s more than just a little misunderstood
he has trouble acting normal when hes nervous

Round here he’s carving out his game
Round here he wishes he was just the same
Round here we talk in inverted little lines
But we sacrifice for shams
Round here I’m slipping through my hands

She says its only in my head
He says shhh I know its only in my head
But the devil on his shoulder in the empty spot says
man you should try to take a shot

Cant you see my walls are crumbling?
Then he looks up at the building and says hes thinking of jumping
he says hes tired of life=

he must be tired of something

Round here I always lose my mind
Round here - got lots of time
Round here were never give up early
And nobody makes their fate

I cant see nothing, nothing round here

Let me fall when Im falling

Self-Victimization

2009-10-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

It's a lovely existence, O' yes it is.

Not profound.

oh no (es)

But- it- is - a lovely thing anyway.

I'll pass on the over-reaching deep philosophical statement right this moment.

And embrace what simplicity I can hold to, (maybe only for the fast moment that I can subdue my own senses-)

and- it'll be alright.

The spectre of our lives rises up to overshadow us at times. And at times, even I (your rakish semi-evil hero) cower in fear at my shortcomings.

Give up those fantastic (and indeed, less-than-fantastic) expectations.

You won't ever live up to them. And even if you did- you'd never realize it.

Suckers. Aint we all,,,,

Reminisces lost

2009-10-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

I accept the blanks in my memory. I even appreciate them.

Because I know theres a good reason to forget those particular memories.

2009-10-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

Reality fades... and so-do- I.

Things are coming full circle so fast these days that the room is spinning...

I wake up and remember old dreams. And it ALL makes sense.

Then it doesn't again.

God, you tricksy muthafucka. I'd be irritated if I gave a fuck. And, sadly (most sadly of alll to myself- I realize )- I DONT.

Today's travails and tribulatons are NEW. That helps a tiny bit. This stagnant pool is deep.

Yes, it is.

Sometimes I wish it waren' t... o' yes I do.

I'd like to say the chaos keeps me sane- but I think we all know better.

I once told a crowded room full of of my fellow- uh - whatevers- that I thank them for their pitiful lives and adventures- because all of their efforts to live, love, what-the-fuck ever - managed to keep me entertained.

And now, I wonder who my own life's struggle is entertaining...

If anyone=

I maintain my super-egotism on the subject... Q: If a tree falls in the forest-
A: Nothing happens unless I am there to witness it.

Want a friend? In the words of the immortal vampyre Yoakum, - "I aint that lonely yet"

I am the Punishment of God.

2009-10-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

I AM THE PUNISHMENT OF GOD.
IF YOU HAD NOT COMMITTED GREAT SINS,
GOD WOULD NOT HAVE SENT
A PUNISHMENT LIKE ME UPON YOU.

Aging ungracefully

2009-10-25T00:02:00.001-07:00

Life will really, really get you down if you try to hold on to "being cool".

I was cool once. But, Old aint cool. Not by a longshot.

You will drive yourself mad trying to hold on to your youth.

Let - it - Go.

Embrace the important things in life (FINALLY!) and give up your wet dreams of fame and fortune.

For me- I'm a really great dad. But that shit just dont seem all that damn exciting. And, its not. But- its a worthwhile reason for existence. Being a cool guy who bangs multiple different women each week- is definitely well, for lack of a better term- fucking cool. But, its a lot of work. Back when it was easy- well, it was a lot cooler. Now, its all a big fucking drag on my illusion of self worth.

So, I guess I am trying to convince myself to give up my decadent whoredog ways and simply be "the dad.". I knOw I'm good at it. I KNOW that nothing else actually makes me feel accomplished. It just seems so mundane sometimes.

I got to wrap my head around the important shit and let this youth fall away. Youth is fun, fucking, and above all- Folly. And its good, goddamn its so good.

But I realize that time has passed.It's time to give up my dreams of and for myself- and start realizing the dreams of my kids.

letter to Dad

2009-10-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

The first, and only letter, that I ever wrote to my dad - (he didnt take it well, by the way)

11/13/95

Dad,

I feel that I must talk with you, and since you refuse to talk, I suppose that this letter will have to do. I don't understand exactly why you act the way you do, but you are hurting everyone around you, including yourself. No one in the world has hurt me more than or as many times as you have. You have made me cry all through my life, even up to the present. From the time I was five years old and you told my mother in front of me and Ryan that you only had one son up - Ryan Berryhill, up until this very day, when you lash out at all of us here at the office, you have hurt me emotionally. I always forgave you every single thing. I have always done as everyone here does. We try to ignore the things you do and say and let life go on, hoping that one day you will simply change.

Well, I guess that I realize that you aren't going to change by yourself. I have offered you help in the past, I offered to go with you to Alcoholics Anonymous, as both of us alcoholics, not just me going with you to support you, but both of us together, supporting each other. I would do whatever it takes to help you be happy. Every time you curse me, or Grandma, or Ryan you are only making things worse. I know that we retaliate, at least Ryan and I do. For a time I believed you. I thought that Grandma and Grandpa had done terrible things to you as a child to make you that way, but then I realized that you treat me and Ryan the same way- Like we are all shit and your life is so bad for having to deal with us. But let me tell you something, Ryan and I have never done a damn thing to YOU. Never, besides rebelling against the way you treat us. I have never done anything to hurt you, no matter how many times I locked myself in a closet, crying , wishing that you were dead, I have never done anything to you. I never even struck back at you all those times you hit me, and up until a year ago I would never have thought of doing so. I don't believe Grandma did anything to you anymore, except spoil you rotten. You treat her worse than any of us, worse than the horrible way that you treat your sons. You curse her and yell at her and basically spit in her face. She is the main reason you live the way you do, expensive car, expensive house, pool, You would not have jack shit if it weren't for her- I know that you would argue about that, but you know that its true.

Beyond all of that- Betrayal of family you also are lazy and don't bother to show up for work half the time. You bitch about working all your life and you need a break once in a while - Well, Mr. Workaholic you have missed exactly 3 weeks and 4 days in the past 3 months. And oddly enough, one of those weeks was a PAID Vacation. You have some audacity, to spit in all of our faces once again, by making everyone work that much harder in order to get things done.

And today, Grandpa and Grandma really need a break, they were wanting to go on vacation but you had to go off on a drunk again, what - overworked again ? I don't think so. You bring a lot of unneeded stress on all of us.

I would say that you should be ashamed, but I don't think that you know what guilt or shame is. If you did, you probably couldn't be able to look anyone in the eyes around here. I love you, but you can only beat a dog so much before he bites back, and everyone around here has been kicked just about to death.
Just think about it, reflect on what you want out of life, Do you want us all to hate you? Sometimes I think that you do, it would be easier for you to continue hating us. Well, we all love you, dad. We just wish you could get your life straight.

Your son,

Everything that goes around, comes around...

2009-10-22T20:53:00.000-07:00

Funny how things always come full circle...

Quote from 1994:

"My hypocrisy is my inability to live up to my severely high standards for everyone around me"

letter from 95 to Evil Angie...

You know you always tell me that I don't understand why you WONT or CANT or CHOOSE not to Love my son, my boy. He is a part of me. He is me.

You know you always tell me how hard it is for you to be AROUND my son for two days every other week.

You know you always tell me how much you gave up ...

And still you don't try to understand anything about me.

You don't understand that I love my son. You don't understand how much it hurts me every time you talk badly about him, every time you yell at them, every time I yell at them in front of you to make you feel that I am not treating my son too good. NOT TREATING MY SON TOO GOOD.

You don't understand that I don't know my real FATHER and that I got stuck with some asshole that doesn't love ME. Someone who knows that he is not my REAL father, and everytime I hear you say that you could not LOVE my children because they are not of your blood, it is a knife in my back, reminding me that that is probably how LEE feels about me, just because he is fucked, not me. People cannot pick their parents. But you know what, they don't have to GIVE UP THEIR CHILDREN.

MY SON IS MINE. HE WILL KNOW IT. I WILL KNOW IT and Now, YOU know it.

I love my son he is a part of me.

I love you and I would sacrifice for you. I would do anything that you NEEDED me to do. I want you beside me forever. There is no one
else for me.

If you cannot sacrifice for me then you do not love me as much as you think.

If we are to be married in one year then it is about time the both of us grew up. I am NOT going to DAMN my son the same way my "father" damned me. I will not reject him. I will not hurt him to make you feel better about yourself.

He is now a part of my life, and a part of yours. Sacrifice and Compromise are a large part of trust and love. Love is Unconditional. Please Don't place conditions on what I cannot change and I promise you that I will never do the same to you.

I love you - Forever and always. I cannot fix this hole in my heart, this hollow place that remains dark without the love of a father. But I can prevent Evan's heart from becoming as dark. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have enough love to be share between all.

"What is given out in free spirit is returned tenfold to the giver. What goes around comes around."

Drilling past the surface

2009-10-11T05:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, got tired of Facebook. I like seeing all my friends every day, (and all my enemies) but god it's just TOO EASY to get myself sideways with people when I am just being- well- ME. This is why families should only have family reunions every once in awhile- so people can only see you on your best behavior for short increments of time. I can't help but letting it all hang out and for some reason that just pisses off most people who are busy being tightly wound and only letting their true selves eke through their carefully crafted veils when they slip and let it out.

Boring and Sad. Two things no one ever considers me, even if I do piss them off. Well, anyway, the hell with facebook and showing my "face" off every day. It's back to being Lost in the tubes. Fuck the face of things anyway. Its the deep recesses of your minds (and mine) that interest me. Rip away the illusions and dare to be your unedited, uncensored self. You might piss people off, maybe even me. But, you'll have my respect for having the guts to be yourself. They might not like what you have to say, but secretly they envy your freedom. At least that's how it is in my world... Now, excuse me, but I'm going to delve back into it.