Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Uncommon Core

It's interesting how, that no matter how chaos swings this marionette, that this far-flung body always swings back to the same familiar orbit.

Or maybe not so interesting...

Maybe it's a matter of simplicity.

Perhaps, it's a lack of forward thrust.

I daresay, no one could ever argue that it was a lack of my expansive imagination.


Humble beginnings- and a deliciously, deserved humble ending- of my own choice.

It's all that I ever wanted.

But, endings will come soon enough. All too easy to focus on grand (or not-so grand) finale's.

The trouble is not only treading water, but holding my children above the water while I do it.

I do believe that I've done a good job.

I don't say it lightly.

I see others doubt. I see them wane, I see them fail, I see them fall, I see them weaken.

I am a harsh judge- of myself, worst of all.  But, judging- hell, that's almost a gift, of mine.

I sift the wheat from the chaff. I boil the fat from the bone. I scatter the smoke from the fire.

I gently blow on those flames, watch the falseness wift away.

And I'm left with what I am left with.  What matters? As always- the children. The future, the line, the legacy. Such as it is.

What matters is certainly not Ourselves. And when I look around, at the shadowy half-lives led around me- by people with no conviction whose only goals surround their own petty desires, I know that I've lived true- despite it all.

I used to look at the mirror- and hope I didn't flinch.
I used to look at the mirror and struggle to meet my own eyes.
I used to look at the mirror and want to know that I was at peace.

I look in the mirror now, and smile.

I've met all the goals I EVER hoped to achieve. My success has been met.
But it came with a price. Now when I look at my friends, my family, everyone that I've met- I see them in my reflection- I stare at them with these unflinching eyes and their weaknesses are all too plain. I try to empathize- but hell, I don't even empathize with my own weaknesses. You fix them. Or you fucking fail. You fail yourself. You fail your children.

And, I won't ever do that.