Thursday, September 19, 2013

Learning to Love, for beginners


Krystal:‎ I don't love you. Just need some support right now from a friend that knows me really well. Sorry if you can't handle that

Me:‎ its all good
 
Krystal: K,

i'm sorry but I felt you deserve my honesty

Me:‎ :(. Your honesty is a depressing thing...for You.
I hope you can find love and joy in the future. I feel like you have none-  I want you to understand that love isn't some curse
but i'm older, and you're young and in pain. I remember that feeling
 
Truth is, nowadays i'm pretty happy. And I do love you- and the fact that you may not understand that doesn't diminish it, or make it less.
 
it doesn't hurt me. I DO Love. I love you, I love my kids, and I love myself.
 
I love freely and I love often. It keeps me sane. I hope you get there
But if you WANT friends- REAL friends- you will have to start loving. something. anything.
 
otherwise you'll just be an empty shell. I love the craziness you bring to my days- the absolute drama, the soap opera silliness of it all. You do make me feel for you- you make me want to save you- then, as I am drawing you out of the darkness, one handhold at a time- you throw yourself willingly back into the pit
 
been there, done that.
 
And so I know, the ONLY one that can save you - is yourself.
 
One day, you will look back and you will realize- "What the fuck do you know?! That crazy bastard DID love me!" And really, I don't want any prizes for that-= I just want you to understand that love is easier than you make it out to be.
 
You CAN love someone and it doesn't have to be the end of the world.There doesn't even have to be any RULES to it.
 
Turn your phone off. disconnect. do something for that new guy to show him who you are, instead of gaming for position in the cutthroat world of who is controlling who.
 
You may even learn to love yourself, hun.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Conversations: Self Absorbtion, part 215

K
Whiskey in the morning love, going to be a grand fine day :).I love you
 
L
I love you too. You like Patty?
 
K
very nice. Lil took Twist to Arizona…seeing Evan and Andrew
 
L
I usually cry at that song
 
K
I was so pissed at first- and then I realized I was just feeling jealous and guilty- she's doing what I should be. I am such an absolute failure at times. I put in the day to day efforts, but never the big ones
 
L
You're human.
 
K
I don't want to be - I pretend to be larger than life= Sometimes, i even AM. The only thing larger than my self righteousness is my hypocrisy. God, I boil, in this head of mine
 
L
That's what I'm here for.
 
K
I Know. And I'd say that is why i love you, but that's a selfish reason. I love you for so much more than that, anyway, but in the low tides, I do appreciate you knowing who i am
i am in many ways a hermit, even in this town
 
L
I fully accept you for the shithead you are.
 
K
sometimes i'll see someone looking at me with Pity. Jesus fucking Christ.
i'm pitied. I'd rather be hated
 
L
They don't know you.
 
K
maybe they do- maybe i am a fool for not finding love where it is
Not bringing you here
 
L
And why do you care what they think?
 
K
not giving, not freeing myself. I don't, but a man has to reflect. Only a fool ignores his surroundings. The day you stop learning is the day you die
L
You are a fool. But you wouldn't be you if you did anything differently.
 
K
if i knew it all, i'd be happy. And i'm not. damn= maybe I've become a caricature of the wounded drunken artist that I've emulated all these years
 
L
If you knew it all, there'd only be a different reason you're not happy.
Art imitates life?
 
K
Life imitates art, i am afraid
Me, spiting appearances, only to mold myself into a cookie cutter image anyway
AND THAT is the absolute shittiest thing I've ever realized.
about myself
Fuck- I AM that predictable, in my own unpredictability.
ouch.
 
L
I knew that.
 
K
i guess, that i didn’t. dammit. I don't want to be afuckin joke. Especially when i'm not the one laughing
 
L
Nobody said you were a joke.
Don't go there Kirk.
Is punishing yourself going to make you feel better, or change anything?
 
K
The point is, To LEARN.
 
L
So what's the lesson?
 
K
Must it be so focused? I suppose the lesson is to NOT make your life a joke, to not be pitied, to Love and be loved. and i know that's foolish- for every one person that loves what you do, another will equally hate it
 
L
I think, to love and be loved... Is pretty much the essence of the soul.
 
K
The Lesson, THIS lesson- is NOT to be predictable. Or is it? I am investing too much into other's perceptions of who I am. The most unpredictable person is the fool who does not know themselves.
 
L
You can't take into account others hearts. Worry about your own. The rest will follow.
 
K
I Know myself. This i do.
 
L
When are you gonna forgive yourself?
Let love in.
 
K
I'm trying.
There's a lot of surrender involved, and most of me is ME because i never Surrender
L
But if your surrendering to something better, isn't it worth it?
 
K
Now, there's where it gets complicated. I surrender today, and tomorrow, she realizes it wasn't something better. Or I do. And then all this big heart of mine or hers- proves itself as hollow. The thing is, you don't know until you TRY. And most of the time, its me- and it hurts just the same- because I wanted it to be that true love- and it wasn't, and now I have to be the dick- and i have to break HER heart because I don't settle for less. and when its her, that has to be the dick- to whom I don't meet their expectations in the end- I know how she feels- but I'm still lost in love- because she met all mine- and its a crushing, crushing thing to love someone absolutely and know they are discarding you for something so abstract as "expectations"
 

L

Why does it have to be so conditional?
K
why does fire burn?
 
L
I don't do expectations. And not being with someone doesn't mean you love them less. I love Rusty, I love Jason, but I don't want to be with them. It doesn't have to hurt.
Failure isn't bad. It just is. Take love for what it is, and be grateful.
I love you.
 
K
and I you
transcribing this all, btw
we always have really good conversations
 
L
Good, you need to write.
We have honest conversation.
 
K
brutally so, sometimes, brutal and beautiful