Saturday, August 30, 2008

the person staring back

She’ll tell you she’s an orphan…
.. after you meet her family

Mom’s still dying
I’m still drinking.

I’ve put myself on hold-
Like no other time in my life

Doing what I'm supposed to.
Working, earning a livin, for the family and me.
Good Husband, Good Dad, Walking that line, boy, the way I was told….

Dreams, nowadays, are just that…
stuff that occurs in the middle of a deep sleep. Wake up, shake ‘em off and move on.

No time for that shit. I’ve wasted more than enough of my life on that crap, right?


I don’t know. This life, without those beautiful fantasies, sure wouldn’t mean as much, would it?

And hell, didn’t some of those dreams come true? I ain’t dead and I ain’t in jail. That’s more than some people dreamed for my future.

Fuck, I don’t know. I can still look at myself in the mirror. And I’ve always been the harshest judge I’ve ever met.

Life ain’t as exciting as it was, a few years back. But I’ve come a long way (baby). No more bar fights. No more living a deathwish for shits and giggles. No more changing the woman I’m with every six weeks, whether I want to or not.


-Is not something I’m real familiar with, nor something I ever wanted to be on a first name basis with in the first place. I’ve always worshipped the chaos. I always lived by the seat of my pants and loved it that way.

I’ve ALWAYS had a plan. And I’ve ALWAYS had a way to fuck it up on purpose, everytime I got bored or decided that my plan was bullshit.

Too late I realize that all those plans weren’t bad. Any one of them would’ve worked out. I can’t say (can anyone>?) if they would have netted me a greater sum of existence than my current incarnation…

I’ve had fun. Hope you have, too. Its been a helluva ride on this end. AND AT the end of THIS tunnel- I've ended up with a thousand halfassed misgivings, a couple million second-guesses, and well, NOT one real regret at the end of the day.

If you think I’m full of shit, well, you’d be wrong/ I’m a dick that way, I’m not conceited, I iz convinced. I have failed at more things than most people ever attempt. But I do believe I’ve accomplished the important things-

I am the Dad I never had.

That was goal one, a promise I made to myself in the closet of my bedroom as a 10 year old boy. I never wavered. As big of an asshole I have made of myself, I’ve never been anything but a really damn good Daddy. And if that was the end of the list, I’d be happy;

And, dwelling upon that, I realize- that is Good enough. I could try and impress you with other, myriad details of the things I’ve strived for in this life…

But I realize- there’s only really two things I’ve ever given a good-god-damn about. One was being a good dad. And the other- well, its not important anymore.; Suffice it to say I met my goals.

I may not be much, but I am a man of my word. I am a simple fucker with complex shades. I am my mother’s son. I am dark, I am light. But I am never just black and white.
I am a man who can look in the mirror, study my failures AND my victories, and smile at both.

There’s no heaven. There’s no hell. There’s just you and that mirror at the end of the day. You can flinch from it, or you can be the person you always wanted to be.

The only person stopping you is yourself.

Christopher Kirk Berryhill
9/08 Bumfuck, Texas